Star Author

Star Author is the twenty-seventh episode of the spin-off, Absorbent Days, and the eighth episode of season two. In this episode, SpongeBob and Patrick are excited for the newest Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy comic book supposed to come out that afternoon, yet only find impromptu comic books. SpongeBob and Patrick are left to read the most boring books in the sea in the bookstore. Patrick begins complaining of how he could improve these books, which he does with a marker. An author comes across the book and deems it worthy of being published ocean-wide. With this career, Patrick becomes the best author in the sea. Yet, the authors of the original book are angered over Patrick taking credit for their work. Will SpongeBob and Patrick be able to stop the riot...and save themselves? This episode is paired with Behind the Whale.

Characters

 * Patrick Star
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Librarian (debut; makes several appearances)
 * Male Fish/Publisher (debut; two appearances)
 * Original Authors
 * Male Author 1-4
 * Female Author 1-2
 * Crowd Members
 * The Riot Stopper (debut)
 * Gary the Snail (cameo appearances)

Transcript

 * [episode begins at Hooks and Books bookstore; several fish are entering the bookstore while others are leaving; the camera pans to the side of the bookstore, where SpongeBob and Patrick are peering through the window]
 * SpongeBob: There it is, Patrick. Do you see it?
 * Patrick: I do, and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I can't look away. I'm almost glued to it.
 * SpongeBob: You are glued to it. You pasted glue to the window so we would be forced to stare inside the bookstore.
 * Patrick: Is there a problem?
 * SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick. Security will have to pry us from the window. Then they'll have to take our eyelid prints...again.
 * Patrick: It's worth it, buddy. It's not everyday that you get to see the display case of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy memorabilia in the Hooks and Books bookstore.
 * SpongeBob: Actually, yes it is, Patrick. It's been here ever since this place was built.
 * Patrick: [scoffs] Buzz-kill.
 * SpongeBob: Let's get a better look, Patrick. [window flips, allowing SpongeBob and Patrick into the building]
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick strain to get off the window, which eventually they do; the strain sends them into a magazine cart]
 * SpongeBob: [rises from pile of magazine] My eyes! My eyes! Magazine print! It burns! [hops from pile]
 * Patrick: [reading magazine] Hmm. Oh, yeah. I'll catch up with you, SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick. [pulls Patrick out of pile] You're aloof from our objective.
 * Patrick: And you wonder why. What's our object, SpongeBob?
 * SpongeBob: This! [camera reveals to the display case, which shines in front of the two] That! Right there! [points to a dirty display case]
 * Bookstore Employee: What is this still doing here?! [pushes dirty cart out of the way, revealing a comic book case]
 * SpongeBob: The Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy display case, filled with all of the newest, juiciest, and...well...cool-iest of their comic books! This is sure to contain the newest comic book we've been anticipating since this morning: The Moth Attacks! [holds up poster with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy charging their archenemy, The Moth]
 * Patrick: Well, what are we doing standing here like some fools who glued themselves to a window of a bookstore?! Let's get that comic book!
 * [SpongeBob and Patrick leap toward the display case]
 * SpongeBob: [climbs to top of the display case] Every deserving comic book lover knows that all of the newest comic books are located at the top of the display case. [grabs comic book]
 * Patrick: Looks like we're the only ones. [camera reveals fish at the bottom of the display case; grabs comic book]
 * SpongeBob: [hops off display case to the ground] Here it is, buddy! The newest Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy comic book! Ready to read it, buddy?! Buddy? Patrick?
 * Patrick: [offscreen] I was wrong, SpongeBob! [camera reveals Patrick, using a comic book to swat back fish, climbing up the display case] We're not the only ones! Get back! Back you sava...uh...samples! [fish throw Patrick off of display case] Whoa!
 * [Patrick lands on SpongeBob]
 * Patrick: I will never understand the cliché workings of the comic book population. What say you, SpongeBob? SpongeBob? I have to find him! He could have been sucked in by those sava-samples!
 * SpongeBob: [muffled] I'm down here, Patrick.
 * Patrick: Who said that? Was it this incredibly uncomfortable chair? Goodness, this thing needs to be fluffed this instant! Or at least lotioned. [stands up] Oh, it's you, SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: [flattens self out using comic book] Did you get your comic book, Patrick?
 * Patrick: No, those sava-samples took them all. Can we share yours?
 * SpongeBob: Of course, Patrick. Take a seat. [opens comic book; begins reading] "The town suffered mounds of damage. Bikini Bottom was in a frenzy. The town was divided in a panic to escape a villain so sinister as The Moth." [stops reading] What is this?! This isn't "The Moth Returns"!
 * Patrick: Yeah! This is "Issue 429: The Moth Rises!" Why, this came out three years ago!
 * SpongeBob: Yeah. Where are the newer issues?! Patrick, do you see what this means?!
 * Patrick: No, but something tells me that I'm not about to find out.
 * SpongeBob: But you are, Patrick. It means that we've been...[whispers] conned.
 * Patrick: Conned! We've been conned! Nothing but conned!
 * SpongeBob: Shh shh shh, Patrick. Don't let the employees here think that we've been conned. Their sharp eyes are watching us like a hawk!
 * [camera cuts to a male fish, walking up the check-out section]
 * Male Fish: I would like to check-out this book.
 * Female Librarian: Sure thing. [takes book] Now just let me scan it. [repeatedly misses scanner] Hold on. I almost got it. [continues to miss scanner]
 * Male Fish: Oh, let me do it! [snatches book; scans it] There!
 * Female Librarian: How dare you do my job?! Security!
 * [security comes and escorts male fish out of library]
 * Female Librarian: Well, are you coming or not?
 * [camera cuts back to SpongeBob and Patrick]
 * SpongeBob: All we need to do is put back our comic books and carefully walk to the section next to us.
 * Patrick: But the only section next to us is...[dramatic flourish plays; camera reveals the next section as being "The Deadly Boring Book Section"] the Deadly Boring Book Section!
 * SpongeBob: It's a risk, buddy, but we must do it if we want to escape the con. We have to be brave!
 * Patrick: Yes, buddy. I'm with you.
 * SpongeBob: Good. Now let's go. [SpongeBob and Patrick walk to the neighboring section] Well, this isn't so bad. [gasps] What's that?
 * [camera pans around the section, revealing spines that read "Boring Presidential Speeches", "The Extremely Boring Life of a Boring Fish", and "Fun: The Boring Way"]
 * Patrick: Is there a throw-up bowl in this aisle?
 * SpongeBob: I don't think so, Patrick. We're in "no man's land" now. It's dog-eat-dog in here.
 * Patrick: I don't think that book's in this aisle. It's too fun for these shelves.
 * SpongeBob: I guess we should...[gulps] check something out. [grabs a book; snatches hand away] Ah! It burns! It burns!
 * Patrick: Mine freezes. [reveals arms encased in ice with the book inside]
 * SpongeBob: This is boring! We'll never find a book in here that could even compare to the worst Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy comic book.
 * Patrick: You're right! I'm tired of reading books that don't make me want to reenact the stupid behavior that's inside of them. Now if you excuse me, I have to jump from the top of the bookshelf. [runs out of screen; falls into screen from bookshelf] That hurt more than what the book showed. [stands up] I mean, if I were the author of this book, I would change it and make it my own, and it will be much better.
 * SpongeBob: I'm sure it would be, Patrick. Now let's get out of here.
 * Patrick: Oh, not yet, SpongeBob. [takes out pen] Not until I make this book my own. [marks out author's name; writes own name in place; opens book] Starting with chapter one.
 * [title card reads "One hour later]
 * French Narrator: One hour later.
 * [SpongeBob is revealed to be asleep]
 * Patrick: [yanks up SpongeBob, waking him up] SpongeBob, wake up! I've done it! I finished my book! All I did was cross some things out and put some things back in!
 * SpongeBob: That's great, Patrick! Ready to go to the publisher?
 * Patrick: Nah. This book belongs in the trash. [throws back book] Let's get out of here. It's too boring. [SpongeBob and Patrick depart scene]
 * [scene cuts to the site of the book, neatly placed on a desk; a male fish in a suit walks over to the book]
 * Male Fish: [grabs book] What's this oddity? [opens book] Who wrote this?! I must know. He is a legend! [holds up book]
 * [scene cuts to outside of the Hooks and Books bookstore; the male fish is kicked out by the librarian]
 * Librarian: And if you can't be quiet, get out of my bookstore! [throws book out of bookstore] And take this book with you!
 * Male Fish: Ha! You missed me!
 * Librarian: I'm blind! [shuts doors]
 * Entire Bookstore: [places finger at their mouths] Shhhhh!
 * Librarian: Oh, stop it! Since when did you guys follow the policy?!
 * [scene cuts to the Patrick's rock; the male fish walks toward it with the book]
 * Male Fish: Here we are. The refined house of Mr. Star. Such luxury he lives in. No wonder the fabulous detail incorporated in this book. Who knows the inspirations that occur in this house. [knocks on door]
 * [an abundance of noise occurs from beneath the rock; Patrick answers the door, revealing behind him a bundle of stuff]
 * Male Fish: Is this your book, Mr. Star?
 * Patrick: Well, that depends. Does it have pictures?
 * Male Fish: It does have your name as the author.
 * Patrick: Oh, that thing. I thought that thing landed in the trash.
 * Male Fish: Actually, it landed next to me. It all started like this.
 * [flashback begins at the bookstore; the male fish is rummaging through the trash; he narrates the flashback]
 * Male Fish: I was rummaging through the trash, trying to find a book that was worthy of publishing ocean-wide, when all of a sudden, a book slams onto a nearby desk]
 * [Patrick's revised book slams right into the desk next to the trash can]
 * Male Fish: And then the librarian comes over and then shhh's me.
 * Librarian: Shhh!
 * Male Fish: So, then I jump out of the trash and grab the book. It's the most beautiful piece of literature of the modern day that I have ever laid eyes on to read!
 * [scene cuts back to present day]
 * Male Fish: [holds up book] This book must be published ocean-wide as one of the greatest revised books of the modern era!
 * Patrick: Yeah! Modern era!
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick walking down the sidewalk]
 * SpongeBob: Did he say he was going to publish your book?
 * Patrick: Yeah, something like that. But who knows when, right? It could take minutes...or...hours! Or even longer! Like, seconds!
 * SpongeBob: I think even shorter than that, Patrick. Take a look!
 * [camera pans around to reveal several fish, reading Patrick's revised book]
 * SpongeBob: Wow. Look at that! Everyone's reading your book, Patrick! I even think that you're a hit! A best-seller!
 * Patrick: I must be good if I'm words I don't even know!
 * Female Fish: It's you! Patrick Star, the writer of my favorite book! [holds up book] Can you sign it?!
 * Patrick: Hmm. [looks at cover] My name is already here.
 * Female Fish: [laughs] So hilarious! [turns toward a crowd of people] Let's hear it for Patrick, the amazing author!
 * Patrick: Really? Where?!
 * [crowd begins cheering Patrick's name in unison]
 * Crowd: Patrick! Patrick! Patrick! Patrick!
 * SpongeBob: Well, I have to get home and feed the ol' snail. Have fun with your fame, Patrick! [walks out scene]
 * Patrick: [laughs] Okay, SpongeBob. Wait, what's fame?
 * [title card appears on the screen, saying "The Next Afternoon"]
 * French Narrator: Le next day.
 * [scene cuts to the Krusty Krab dining room, where SpongeBob is carrying trays to the customers]
 * SpongeBob: [puts down tray] There you go, sir. [puts down tray] There's your well-deserved salad, ma'am. [puts down tray] You really should be getting what that ma'am is getting, sir.
 * [the front doors are heard to open; the camera reveals Patrick to have opened the doors]
 * Patrick: SpongeBob! SpongeBob, I need your help!
 * SpongeBob: Really? During work hours?
 * Patrick: This is no time to bring up fantasy things like "work hours", man! This is serious! [grabs SpongeBob; holds SpongeBob over his head; runs out of Krusty Krab]
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, where are we going?!
 * Patrick: The bookstore, man! The bookstore!
 * [scene cuts to the Hooks and Books bookstore; SpongeBob and Patrick are in the "Boring Book" section]
 * SpongeBob: [lying facedown on the floor; speaking muffled] Patrick. Patrick.
 * Patrick: [flipping through book] Uh...I'm kind of busy, SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: Doing what?
 * Patrick: Trying to find inspiration, buddy. None of these books are speaking to me. [throws book up]
 * SpongeBob: [lifts face] Probably because their too boring to speak. [book lands on SpongeBob; picks up face again] You need to find the most boring book in the library, buddy. Something that makes you fall asleep.
 * Patrick: But that's every book in this section.
 * SpongeBob: Except for that book over there. Do you see it? That boy is sleeping on it. [camera cuts to reveal a male child sleeping on a book]
 * Patrick: How long has he been sleeping?
 * SpongeBob: I'd say three days.
 * Patrick: What makes you say that?
 * SpongeBob: That's what the cover says: "How To Fall Asleep In Just Three Days".
 * Patrick: How?
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, why would you...never mind. Just get over there and get the book.
 * Patrick: Okay, buddy. [walks over to child; taps child] Little child, can you get off of the book that can save my career? [taps again] Hello? [taps again] Hello?! [begins rocking child] Don't you hear me?! I said don't you hear me?! [picks up and throws child out of scene; grabs book] Here we are.
 * SpongeBob: [offscreen] Just don't look at the book directly, Patrick. You'll fall asleep instantly.
 * Patrick: What did you say, SpongeBob? I couldn't hear you over me looking at the book directly. [looks at book; falls alseep]
 * SpongeBob: [runs into scene] Oh no! [taps Patrick] Patrick, wake up. You need to write your book.
 * Patrick: [drowsily] Write smrite. [picks up marker; begins editing book]
 * SpongeBob: Well, would you look at that? He's editing the book in his sleep. This is perfect!
 * Librarian: [walks into scene] You know you have to pay for that book, right?
 * SpongeBob: Well, almost perfect.
 * [scene cuts to the Bikini Bottom News; the screen appears with the words "Breaking News" on it; the screen cuts to a female news reporter]
 * Female News Reporter: Hello there, citizens of Bikini Bottom. I am Donna Dolphintail with some breaking news. The best-selling author, Patrick Star, has recently published a new book entitled "Uh...". Critics are calling it the must-read book of the year. So get out there and get that new book before they're all gone.
 * [scene cuts to an unknown residential home; a male fish turns off the news channel]
 * Male Fish: What kind of news reporter has nothing to do yet deliver unnecessary news?
 * Female Fish: If you don't like the news, why do you watch it?
 * Male Fish: Don't mock me, Linda.
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob's house, where he reading the newspaper]
 * SpongeBob: Do you see this article, Gary? [points article to Gary]
 * Gary: Meow.
 * SpongeBob: Yes you do, Gary. It's for Patrick. He's a best-seller in our town. He's making who knows how much money.
 * Gary: Meow meow. [pushes bowl into scene; the bowl is filled with money]
 * SpongeBob: Way to put the damper on our moods, Gary. [hears construction noises; looks out of window; sees a golden gate being built around Patrick's rock] Looks like something is going over there, Gary.
 * Gary: Meow.
 * SpongeBob: Should we go check it out?
 * Gary: Meow.
 * [scene cuts to Patrick's rock, which is now fully surrounded by a golden gate along with security guards]
 * SpongeBob: Excuse me, officer.
 * Security Guard: You're not excused! Show me your ID!
 * SpongeBob: ID?
 * Security Guard: I don't have an ID! Show me yours.
 * SpongeBob: I don't have one.
 * Security Guard: Then why are you here?
 * SpongeBob: To see my friend.
 * Security Guard: I'm not your friend!
 * SpongeBob: I'm not here to see you.
 * Security Guard: Then why are you looking at me?!
 * SpongeBob: To see if you'll let me in this house.
 * Security Guard: This isn't your house!
 * SpongeBob: I know. It's my friend's. Can I go in and see him?
 * Security Guard: I don't know. Can you go in and see him?
 * SpongeBob: I don't know. Can I?
 * Security Guard: Yes.
 * SpongeBob: Thank you, kind officer. [walks down staircase] Wow. A staircase. Patrick's really made this house fancy. [looks around living room] Patrick? Patrick, are you in here?
 * Patrick: Yes. Yes I am. [turns around in seat] Hello, SpongeBob. It's been quite a while since I've seen you.
 * SpongeBob: It's only been two hours.
 * Patrick: Well, that's zero too many. What brings you into my writing abode?
 * SpongeBob: To visit you and see how things are going.
 * Patrick: [rushes to SpongeBob; grabs him by arms] Terribly, SpongeBob! Terribly! I've edited twenty books on my desk this hour!
 * SpongeBob: That's great!
 * Patrick: No, SpongeBob! I was supposed to finish...uh...[looks at list] twenty-one books this hour! Yet my security guards won't let that one book into my house.
 * [camera cuts to a security guard with a book at his feet]
 * Security Guard: Show me your ID!
 * [book rolls onto its back; shows barcode]
 * Security Guard: That'll do.
 * [camera cuts back to SpongeBob and Patrick]
 * Patrick: I'm sorry, buddy, but I'm too busy to talk. I'm too busy trying to condensate on editing books.
 * SpongeBob: Don't you mean concentrate?
 * Patrick: I can't socialize! [picks up SpongeBob; throws him out of house; SpongeBob lands in front of security guard]
 * Security Guard: Show me your ID!
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob's living room; SpongeBob is pacing around]
 * SpongeBob: [talking to self] I just don't get this. Patrick is already a hit author. Why is he working so hard? It doesn't make sense. He doesn't have time to go jellyfishing. [holds up net] He falls asleep in the first five minutes.
 * Gary: [slugs into scene] Meow.
 * SpongeBob: I guess you're right, Gary. There's nothing to worry about as long as a riot of authors don't come and try to destroy Patrick.
 * Gary: Meow meow ma-meow?
 * SpongeBob: Riot? What riot? [looks out window to see a riot of fish] I have to help Patrick! [runs out of scene]
 * Gary: Meow.
 * [scene cuts to Patrick's house; the riot is yelling at Patrick, who is now standing lazily in front of them]
 * Rioter 1: Patrick, how do you explain marking up our books?!
 * [riot resumes yelling]
 * Patrick: Marking up your books? I didn't know I worked at the store.
 * SpongeBob: [jumps in front of riot] Rioters! Rioters! Stop yourselves! Why are you so angry at my friend, Patrick, here?
 * Female Author 1: He edited my book and took credit for it!
 * Male Author 1: Also with mine!
 * Female Author 2: So we started a plagiarism riot!
 * [riot erupts]
 * Male Author 3: Let's get both of them!
 * Riot: Yeah!
 * SpongeBob: [hugs Patrick] It was nice knowing you, buddy!
 * Patrick: It was nice knowing me too, buddy.
 * Voice: [offscreen] Halt there, fray citizens!
 * [fish with a white suit, green tights, and blue boots lands on the ground]
 * Patrick: [gasps] Whoa. Who is he?
 * SpongeBob: He looks like one of those characters from the impromptu comic books.
 * The Riot Stopper: That's right! I am...The Riot Stopper! I hear that I am needed here to stop a riot.
 * Male Author 1: Well, you're out of luck! We've already started it!
 * TRS: But that's doesn't mean it can't be stopped!
 * Male Author 1: It kind of does.
 * TRS: You have point. [looks at SpongeBob and Patrick] What should I do, guys?
 * SpongeBob: [plainly] Just stop the riot.
 * TRS: As you wish, square one. [clears throat; begins singing]

Hush, little riot, don't hurt these fish

I don't really know if that's what you wish,

Don't make me have to call the police

I can't though; it's in violation of my lease.

So do not make me use brute force,

Although I'm not allowed, of course.

This riot doesn't make much sense

Kind of like this golden fence.


 * [riot is shown to have fallen asleep]
 * SpongeBob and Patrick: [cheering] Yay! Whoo hoo! Alright! Yay!
 * TRS: Shhh! They're sleeping.
 * SpongeBob: Thank you, Riot Stopper. And sorry for skipping over those impromptu books.
 * Patrick: Yeah. We should have...read-ed them more.
 * TRS: That's quite alright, innocent victims of the bookstore's poor replenishing of new comic books. [looks at camera] Remember, kids. Always read impromptu comic books!
 * [episode ends]