Crossover Squid

Crossover Squid is the ninth episode of the spin-off, Absorbent Days, and the ninth episode of season one. In this episode, Squidward is accused by Mr. Krabs of stealing the secret formula, causing Squidward to be fired, only for him to state that he quits. Now that Squidward has quit his job, he begins to take advantage of Mr. Krabs by becoming a customer. After several irritating and annoying "schemes", Mr. Krabs decides for SpongeBob to go and spy on Squidward to see what he is plotting next. SpongeBob begins to spy on Squidward and finds him doing an unexpected task. This episode is paired with A Replacement Borg.

Characters

 * Squidward Tentacles
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Eugene H. Krabs
 * Sandy Cheeks
 * Patrick Star (cameos)
 * Miscellaneous Customers
 * Sheldon J. Plankton (cameo, in flashback)
 * Kid (debut)

Transcript

 * [scene starts with Squidward, behind the register at the Krusty Krab]
 * Squidward: [placing money in the cash register] Would you like a side of salt with that, sir? [to self] It's about as heart-stopping as the food we serve.
 * Customer 1: That depends. [anxious] Does it come with a free toy?
 * Squidward: Why would salt come with...uh...sure.
 * Customer 1: Then I will take extra salt.
 * Squidward: [false smile] Very hungry, aren't we today. [writes order on order ticket] SpongeBob, I have two Krabby Patties with extra salt. [throws order ticket into kitchen]
 * SpongeBob: [grabs order ticket; gasps] Squidward! Have you gone off the deep end? Did you get enough sleep last night?
 * Squidward: [uninterested] What is the problem, kelp for brains?
 * SpongeBob: The problem is [holds order ticket in Squidward's face] you wrote on the back of this order ticket. For shame, Squidward.
 * Squidward: [sighs] Of course. Call the police, SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: [already on phone] Yes, he wrote on the back of the order ticket. How fast do you think you can get a clam-bulance to pick him up?
 * Squidward: [rushes into kitchen and throws phone out window] Have you lost your mind, SpongeBob? Nothing is wrong with me. How can you even tell which is the back and which is the front of a piece of paper?
 * SpongeBob: Are you sure you don't need bedrest?
 * Squidward: [stomping out of room] The only thing I need is order seventeen, SpongeBob! Now get it ready or go home!
 * [SpongeBob rushes to grill and begins frying Krabby Patties]
 * SpongeBob: [flips patty; sniffs] The fresh smell of patties, I think. Or it might be the grease. [looks up in thought] Or the grill. Or maybe it's the...
 * Squidward: I don't care what it is! Just get the orders before the customers begin to leave!
 * [Customers begin to look at Squidward yelling at SpongeBob]
 * Squidward: Uh...[laughs nervously]
 * SpongeBob: [throws onions onto patty] Time for some lettuce. [outstretches and grabs lettuce, and continues to throw it in same manner as onions] And ketchup a'la mode.
 * Squidward: [facepalm] No more tricks, SpongeBob. Hurry up with the orders!
 * SpongeBob: What tricks, Squidward? I'm just going to [walks toward the patty] walk over to the patty and pour the ketchup and mustard over it. [scoffs] I'm not a goofball. [pours ketchup and mustard onto patty]
 * Squidward: [lays head onto cash register] When will this period of misery end?
 * Mr. Krabs: [appears on scene] When your shift is over. Mr. Squidward, may you step into my office. I believe your shift will be over before you know it. [walks toward office]
 * Squidward: [confused] O...kay. [walks to Mr. Krabs's office]
 * Customer 1: Hey, what about my order? [stomps out of restaurant]
 * SpongeBob: [appears out of window with a tray of food] I have it right here, sir. [looks around] Hmm...they must have left. And to think that this Krabby Patty will go to waste....unless...[sits down at dining table, places napkin around neck, takes out silverware and brings tray to table] Let's enjoy! [overhears Mr. Krabs and Squidward]
 * Squidward: I am telling, Mr. Krabs, I did not take it. I promise my own mint-condition clarinet.
 * SpongeBob: [listens through kitchen door] Sounds like Squidward is in some trouble with Old Man Krabs. [bites into Krabby Patty] I better go check out the trouble. [opens door slightly]
 * Mr. Krabs: How dare you insult me cash register? First, you take the one thing that is near and dear to me, and now you're insulting one of my most prized possessions? Why shouldn't someone throw you in the unemployment line right now?
 * SpongeBob: [arms up in protest] Hey, now. Let's not say things we might regret. What happening in here? You're disrupting the customers?
 * [scene cuts to customers]
 * Customer 3: Do any of you have any idea how to cook Krabby Patties?
 * Customer 4: Who needs Krabby Patties when you can open a register? [uses crowbar to attempt to pry open the register hatch] I could use a little help.
 * Customer 3: No way. I'm not going back.
 * [scene cuts back to Mr. Krabs's office]
 * SpongeBob: [to Squidward] So what Mr. Krabs is saying is he believes that you, Squidward, stole the Krabby Patty formula. But why, Mr. Krabs?
 * Mr. Krabs: He is the only one who knows the combination to me safe, where I keep the secret formula. Obviously, he snuck into me office...[flashback]
 * Squidward: [sneaks into office] Is anyone in here?
 * Mr. Krabs: [narrating] Then, knowing the combination, you opened the safe and took out the formula.
 * Squidward: [takes out formula; speaks into walkie-talkie] I got the formula, sir. Nobody is in the Krusty Krab right now.
 * Voice: [on other line] Well, what are you waiting for? Bring it on over to the Chum Bucket. [hangs up]
 * Squidward: Oh, what I wouldn't give to be painting a bowl of fruit right now. [walks out of Krusty Krab to the Chum Bucket]
 * [Mr. Krabs in reality]
 * Mr. Krabs: That's when you sold it to Plankton. Why did you do it, Squidward?
 * Squidward: That story is extremely inaccurate. First of all, walkie-talkies are so childish. Second of all, I stopped painting bowls of fruit years ago. Third, why would I walk in to such a dump as the Chum Bucket?
 * Mr. Krabs: [points in disgust] How dare you talk to me in such a manner? [grabs on to back on desk chair] I am sorry, Mr. Tentacles, but as of now, you are...fired!
 * Squidward: [stands up] You cannot fire me, you crustacean! I quit, something I've wanted to do for the past decade! [throws hat between Mr. Krabs's eyes] Fah! [walks out of Krusty Krab]
 * [scene cuts to Squidward's house]
 * Squidward: [sitting at kitchen table with a cup of hot tea] He thinks that he can just tell me that I'm fired. How dare he acuse me of going into the Chum Bucket to give Plankton the formula? [reads newspaper] I might find piece in the printed world. [looks at section] "Job Requests"?! "Krusty Krab looking for a new cashier"?! [throws newspaper into trash can]
 * Patrick: [walks into Squidward's kitchen] Hey, Squid. [begins to tie rope around Squidward's refrigerator] Just came to take your refrigerator. Mine is empty again.
 * Squidward: No way, Patrick. [unties rope] I have no job now. Therefore, I cannot pay for my food just for you to take it away. I already spent a couple grand on the [air-quotes] "home repairments" you needed.
 * Patrick: Oh, yeah. Thanks for that. [shrugs] But what am I supposed to eat?
 * Squidward: [opens the door] You're a bottom feeder. Just go eat some algae from the park. Now I will say this once, Patrick: Get out of my house!
 * Patrick: Oh, this is a house. I thought it was a....a...actually, I don't know what I thought it was. [begins walking out the door] Oh, and by the way, Squidward. I have seen bigger kitchens. [leaves house]
 * Squidward: [scoffs in disbelief] Well sorry that I didn't call a construction crew to size up my kitchen just for you to walk into my house! [slams door; grunts and slides down the door to the floor] If I wanted to see a bigger kitchen, I might as well go back to the Krusty Krab. [smiles; light bulb forms over head]
 * [scene cuts to the Krusty Krab]
 * SpongeBob: [begins mopping the floor] Nothing like closing time to cleanse a dirty floor, eh, Mr. Krabs?
 * Mr. Krabs: [appears to be leaning on the cash register, fanning his money with his fingers] I don't care. As long as that blue cephalopod isn't doing it.
 * Squidward: Funny you should say that. [camera pans to Squidward] I am here as a customer. Not a down-grading cashier.
 * Mr. Krabs: Well you're too late. We closed about half an hour ago.
 * Squidward: With my fifteen years of working here at this dusty restaurant, I believe that in the handbook, [leans toward door] the restaurant is not officially closed until the sign is changed to [changes sign to closed] "closed". Therefore, I believe I am [walks happily to register] just in time.
 * SpongeBob: [runs behind register] Are you sure you are okay with this, Squidward? I think you do better behind the register?
 * Squidward: [holds hand to SpongeBob's mouth] Let me stop you there, Sponge-Cake.
 * SpongeBob: I was finished talking.
 * Squidward: [takes hand away] I am here as a customer, as I will be until the rest of time. And I believe that a customer's money is always right. [holds up dollar bill]
 * Mr. Krabs: Mine! [leaps and grabs dollar bill] Oh...just hurry up and get him out of my restaurant.
 * SpongeBob: Yes, sir! [looks at register] Now let's see how we do this. [presses button] That doesn't even do anything. [presses another button] No, I didn't even take your order yet.
 * Squidward: [angrily] Here! I'll do it! [presses different buttons] I didn't think that I would have to work as a customer too. [writes order ticket; throws ticket into kitchen] One Krabby Patty, large Krabby Fries, and a medium Diet Dr. Kelp.
 * SpongeBob: Uh, Squidward. I'm out of here. [points into kitchen] And the grill is still on.
 * [ticket lands on grill, causing a fire in the kitchen]
 * Mr. Krabs: Ah! [rushes to open back door of kitchen, letting in water] This should save me restaurant. [water rushes in, causing a flood] Just great. Get that no good cephalopod out of me restaurant!
 * SpongeBob: Squidward, I'm afraid you have to leave.
 * Squidward: [holds hand to SpongeBob's mouth] Don't say it.
 * SpongeBob: I already said it.
 * [Squidward swims out of Krusty Krab]
 * Squidward: Even when I'm a customer...[begins to walk home]
 * [scene cuts to next day at the Krusty Krab]
 * Mr. Krabs: [talking to two security guards] Make sure that a green cephalopod named "Squidward Tentacles" does not make it through this perimeter.
 * [Squidward walks into the Krusty Krab with a megaphone]
 * Squidward: [into megaphone] Hello there, Krusty Krab customers.
 * Customer 5: Hey, greenie, we're trying to eat here! Eat or get out of the restaurant!
 * Mr. Krabs: Yeah, he's right! [to customer] Don't ever do my job again.
 * Squidward: Of course. You come here to eat, but what exactly are you putting into your mouths? Are you putting in meat, or are you putting in yourselves?
 * Customer 6: What are you trying to say?
 * Squidward: I'm saying that the meat for the Krabby Patty is no mystery. I mean where else do you get meat from under the sea?
 * Customer 6: Hey, he's got a point. What meat are you using in here?
 * Mr. Krabs: [nervously] Well...uh...I use...only...the most...imported meat from above the sea. It is the finest of its kind...I hear. But I have to give the best to me customers. [looks left and right nervously]
 * Customer 6: [chews patty] Well, by the taste of things....he might be telling the truth.
 * [Customers run up to the register with hands full of money]
 * Mr. Krabs: [collects all of the money and walks to Squidward, who has an annoyed look on his face] See, Mr. Squidward. Even your hair-brained schemes can't drive away the loyalty of my customers. [looks down] Plankton may have the formula and can take down the me restaurant at any time, I can still make the best of it with me customers.
 * Squidward: That's it! You can have your last laugh! But who will have the last chuckle? [backs out of Krusty Krab] It won't be you by the way. [shuts the doors and walks away]
 * Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob!
 * SpongeBob: Yes, sir!
 * Mr. Krabs: Go see what that yellow-bellied green squid is up to. I have a feeling he has something else up his short sleeve.
 * SpongeBob: Yes, sir! [runs out of Krusty Krab] Hmm...if I'm going undercover, then I'm going to have to get a disguise.
 * Patrick: [appears, pulling refrigerator] Hey, SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, what are you doing with that refrigerator?
 * Patrick: It's Squidward's. He wouldn't let me have it earlier. Wait until he gets home. I can't wait to see the expression on his face.
 * SpongeBob: Can't wait, huh? [snaps fingers with idea] Patrick, you're genius!
 * Patrick: Thanks, I know. I knocked down his door, too. That's going to be twice the expected expression!
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob at Sandy's house]
 * Sandy: So you're telling me that Squidward is being accused of going in the Chum Bucket? Why in the name of chum would Squidward go to the...well...Chum Bucket?
 * SpongeBob: I don't know. It's almost like he was framed...or something. That's why I need you to build a time machine so I can go back and see what really happened here.
 * Sandy: Well....okay. I'll do it. But what will this prove?
 * SpongeBob: That Squidward is innocent.
 * Sandy: But can't you just convince Mr. Krabs for Squidward to come back?
 * SpongeBob: Sounds like someone is being a little lazy.
 * Sandy: [sighs] Let me get to work.
 * [brief montage of Sandy working on the time machine]
 * Sandy: [walks out of laboratory, taking off fire-retardant mask] Good news is the time machine is built. Bad news is that it can be a little faulty at times, so use with caution. [hands SpongeBob a clam-phone]
 * SpongeBob: That's it? [looks at clam-phone] The future of modern fish technology looks like a clam-phone? I thought it would be taller.
 * Sandy: Just let me tell you how to use it. You just year, day, and time you want to go back to, and then press send.
 * SpongeBob: So if I type in [presses in year] the current year, [types in day] the day, and then the time of incident, and press send, I just...[teleports]
 * Sandy: Well, at least he knows how to use it.
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob on top of the Krusty Krab]
 * SpongeBob: I'm on top of the Krusty Krab. [looks at watch] And this is about the time the incident occurred. Closing time the day before Squidward got fired. [looks through binoculars] And here he is now.
 * Squidward: [to self] I can't believe Mr. Krabs called me in to re-count the money in the register while he goes home to do nothing for the rest of the day. [opens Krusty Krab door]
 * [SpongeBob stretches into Krusty Krab while wearing binoculars]
 * SpongeBob: [to self] I wonder what he's doing in the Krusty Krab. [begins to slither under tables behind Squidward] He's heading into the office.
 * Squidward: [in Mr. Krabs's office] Is anybody in here? [walks toward the safe and reaches for the combination]
 * SpongeBob: [slithers under Mr. Krabs's desk] He's reaching for the safe...
 * Squidward: [turns combination reapeatedly] If Mr. Krabs wants the formula safe, then he should really keep this combination door locked.
 * SpongeBob: [gasps] Squidward was just locking the door. Then who could have stolen it?
 * [combination door opens]
 * Squidward: Oh, how do you lock this thing?! [takes out formula] Doesn't seem like anybody has touched it in a while, except...what are these, fingerprints?
 * SpongeBob: Fingerprints? [teleports back to the present day in Sandy's treedome]
 * Sandy: I told you that it was still in the drawing stage.
 * SpongeBob: [attempts to press buttons again] Why isn't this thing working?
 * Sandy: Stop, SpongeBob. [takes machine] Once it stops working, then it won't work again until about six or seven hours.
 * SpongeBob: Six hours? But the Krusty Krab will be closed in six hours. I've got to find some evidence!
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob in Squidward's house]
 * SpongeBob: [in cabinet folder] Come on, where's the evidence?! Oh, this is useless. I'm never going find anything on Squidward because he never commited the crime. [closes filing folder only for a paper to fly out] What's this? [reads] Oh no. It's worse than I thought. I've got to get this to Mr. Krabs now! [hears noise; gasps] It's Squidward!
 * Squidward: [walks into house] Finally, home. The only difference is I'm free from my duties, so now, it's not a break. It's just I'm back home.
 * SpongeBob: [sneaks out window and falls to the ground] Good thing I'm a sponge, or that would have hurt really badly. Too bad I didn't absorb the sound.
 * Squidward: [runs out of house to see SpongeBob] What are you doing here?! How am I supposed to get away from you if you always show up?
 * SpongeBob: I can't lose you, Squidward! You can't do this! I see the paper! [tears in eyes] Why? Why would you want to betray the Krusty Krab like that?
 * Squidward: [reads paper] SpongeBob, you think that I...? [facepalm] SpongeBob, this is all part Plankton's plot to make me look bad. [flashback]
 * [scene cuts to flashback]
 * Squidward: [narrating] I did grab the formula, but not to steal it. I saw fingerprints. These stubby fingerprints. I started turning the formula bottle to search for more fingerprints, when I dropped it. It turns out inside, Plankton was waiting for the right moment to take it. I took the formula from him and turned him in to the cops.
 * [in reality]
 * Squidward: Then, Mr. Krabs assumed that since I knew the combination, that I stole it and sold it to Plankton. But I did the exact opposite. [outstretches hands] But look at me now! I'm a jobless customer with nothing to do all day.
 * SpongeBob: Well, I wouldn't say you couldn't get a job.
 * [scene cuts to Krusty Krab where Squidward is selling toys]
 * Mr. Krabs: Get them while they last. Buy extra salt with your Krabby Patty and receive a free toy. Remember, kids love toys.
 * Squidward: [hands toy to kid; lamely] Thank you for purchasing salt with your Krabby Patty. Please take this toy as a token.
 * [Kid walks a way]
 * Mr. Krabs: Glad to have you back, Mr. Squidward. [laughs while holding money]
 * [episode ends]