Castles and Dungeons

Castles and Dungeons is the eighth episode of the spin-off, Absorbent Days, and the eighth episode of season one. In this episode, Pearl Krabs only wants to go to the local mall, yet Mr. Krabs claims that he does not have the money to let Pearl do that, though he has a basement full of clam dollars. Pearl, angered at Mr. Krabs, waits for her father to go to sleep, where she breaks open the lock to the basement and then sneaks out. She travels to the mall, where she places all of the money on a credit card. She buys out entire shoe stores and clothing stores. Just as she is about to leave the mall, she is one dollar short. Pearl ferociously tries to find a dollar, and in her rage, scares everyone from the mall asking them from a dollar. Pearl is forced to then get a job at “Castles and Dungeons”, a medieval-themed store that sells Viking-like accessories and ancient Euro-sea-en artifacts. Pearl is faced by nerds she can’t stand and her friends ridicule her. Will she put up with this new life for just one dollar...or will she change for the better? This episode is paired with A Court for the Port.

Characters

 * Eugene H. Krabs
 * Pearl Krabs (debut)
 * Darla (debut; cameo; speaking parts)
 * Michelle (debut; cameo; speaking)
 * Ned/Henry XXXII (debut)
 * Ned (debut and cameo)
 * Miscellaneous Background Characters

Transcript

 * [episode starts with Mr. Krabs, napping on a reclining chair]
 * Pearl Krabs: [sitting on the couch] This snoring cannot possibly end soon. [puts on noise-canceling headphones] I know something to pass the time! I may not be able to hear it, but at least I can see all the expensive I don't need. [turns on television]
 * Television Female Announcer: Welcome to the Mall Shopping Network, the channel where you can waste all of the money you don't have on expensive items you need even less.
 * Mr. Krabs: [awakens in fear] Aah! Who in the world turned to this rechid channel? They should be cooked and boiled in burning oil!
 * Pearl Krabs: [to self] Not even noise-cancelling headphones...[takes off noise-cancelling headphones; aloud] Daddy, what are you throwing a fit about? It's just the Mall Shopping Network.
 * Mr. Krabs: It's not just that! It's the channel where people spend money on things they don't need. But the worst part of it all is the money they spend doesn't get housed. It doesn't get a plate full of food or decent bedding. It's...just...wasted!
 * Pearl: Calm down, you crustacean. I didn't spend any money...
 * Mr. Krabs: Oh. [calms down] Well, that's a relief.
 * Pearl: ...yet.
 * Mr. Krabs: What do you mean by yet?!
 * Pearl: I don't shop through the Mall Shopping Network. [cheerfully] I shop at the actual mall, and speaking of the mall...
 * Mr. Krabs: No way, sweetheart.
 * Pearl: But daddy, I haven't gone in ages.
 * Mr. Krabs: You went two days ago, and may I also bring up that you spent so much money, I had to cancel my credit card...and your credit card...and the neighbor's credit card.
 * Pearl: But I promise I won't spend that much money. I promise. Please?
 * Mr. Krabs: [sighs] I know I am going to regret this.
 * Pearl: But you're going to let me go to the mall...?
 * Mr. Krabs: Nope. The reason I'm going to regret this is saying that "you're not going to the mall" and then putting on a faulty pair of noise-cancelling headphones that won't block out your wailing.
 * Pearl: You're not letting me go to the mall? [begins to whine]
 * Mr. Krabs: Here we go again. [puts on nose-cancelling headphones] Where's the noise?
 * Pearl: [holds wailing in] No. I'm not going to wail. [twitchingly] Daddy...what about...all of...the money...we have. We're loaded!
 * Mr. Krabs: Loaded smoded. We're [air quotes] "loaded" because, unlike you, I am a saver and not a spender. That's why we have [opens basement cellar] an entire basement of money. And that's just the cash I earned yesterday. Where do you think I keep the rest?
 * [scene cuts to Eugene Krabs National Bank]
 * Male Fish Employee: Okay, just back it in. [begins waving blue and red sticks backward]
 * [truck full of money begins beeping and backs up]
 * [scene cuts back to Pearl and Mr. Krabs]
 * Pearl: A bank...and a basement full of mall money? [angrily and weepingly] You're the worst daddy ever. [wails and runs upstairs]
 * Mr. Krabs: [sighs; puts on noise-cancelling headphones] You know, that noise is the only thing that makes me want to put aside my frugalness and actually replace these headphones. Unfortanetly, my frugalness always wins...sadly.
 * [scene cuts to Mr. Krabs, sleeping]
 * Pearl: [looks in Mr. Krabs room] He's sleeping like a guy who doesn't know his daughter is sneaking out to the mall. [giggles] Not a very peaceful sleep.
 * [scene cuts to cellar where Pearl breaks lock with spraying water; begins to take the money and stuffs it in her pockets; Pearl begins to crawl out window, yet one dollar falls out of her pocket]
 * Mr. Krabs: [awakens in fear] Wait a minute! Did a poor defenseless dollar just float out of the window?
 * Pearl: Whoops! [tries to grab dollar] There's no time! [jumps from window and begins to run] Curse those noise-cancelling headphones.
 * Mr. Krabs: [looks out window] Come back here, thief! [runs outside and catches his dollar] I'm going to find that thief.
 * [scene cuts to mall]
 * Pearl: [in shoe store] Those flats are to die for! And just look at those boots with diamond encrusted heels. Those are absolutely beautiful. [throws flats and boots on to check-out counter] I wonder where they keep the high heels.
 * Shoe Store Employee: [angrily] You threw all the high heels we had on to the counter about an hour ago, which means that you owe us $125.67. Pay up or get out!
 * Pearl: Put it on the card. [hands employee the card]
 * Shoe Store Employee: [charges card] Now get out of my store!
 * Pearl: I think someone is on the cranky pills today. [leaves store carrying large piles of shoes in carts]
 * Shoe Store Employee: I knew this day would come. I knew that a teenager would come into my store and take every last pair of shoe. And apparently so did my mother. [uses phone] Yes, mother, you told me.
 * Pearl: Now it's time to take a little visit to the clothing store.
 * Clothing Store Employee: [locks store metal gate using electronic lock] We're closed!
 * Pearl: Oh no you're not! [throws heels at electronic locking system, unlocking the gate] I think that you just re-opened. [runs into dress section] These dresses are absolutely fabulous. And I'll take these blouses. [throws clothes onto counter]
 * Clothing Store Employee: [sighs] I knew my brother was right...a teenager would come into my store and clear out all of the clothes.
 * Pearl: I would like to pay with...
 * Clothing Store Employee: [slams head onto desk] Don't...just...get out of...the store. Now!
 * Pearl: Hmmm...I guess the cranky pills are quite popular nowadays. [leaves store with large piles of clothes carried in carts]
 * Shoe Store Employee: You sneaky shoplifter!
 * Pearl: What are you talking about?
 * Shoe Store Employee: Don't act like you don't know, whale.
 * Pearl: Again. What are you talking about?
 * Shoe Store Employee: I'm talking about this! [holds receipt] You are one dollar short on all of the shoes you purchased. Therefore, you owe me one dollar. Cash or credit.
 * Pearl: Oh please. Just charge my card.
 * Shoe Store Employee: [charges on portable charger] You have zero dollars left on this card. Pay up or be escorted by security with a fine of $500.
 * Pearl: I'm sure I have one measly dollar in here. [searches pocket book] Did I mention I got this at the purse store? [continues to search pockets] Oh no! I don't have dollar?! [runs up to female fish] Do you have one dollar?!
 * Female Fish 1: I'm sorry. I do not.
 * Pearl: [to male fish] Sir, do you have just one little dollar?
 * Male Fish 1: No, I am sorry. I do not have a dollar.
 * Pearl: Doesn't anyone just have one stinking dollar?!
 * Shoe Store Employee: Calm down, whale. All you have to do is work at a store that will pay you.
 * Pearl: But the only store that is offering jobs is that really lame and nerdy store on the other end of the mall that sells Euro-sea-en artifacts.
 * Shoe Store Employee: Then you'll just have to do it. Remember: pay up or get out!
 * Pearl: It's only a matter of time before I start taking those cranky pills. [begins walking]
 * [scene cuts to "Castles and Dungeons"]
 * Pearl: Hello? Does anyone know who the manager is?
 * Voice: Hark, this is a free kingdom! There is no...so called...manager. Welcome to "The Kindgom of Castles and Dungeons".
 * Pearl: And who exactly am I speaking to?
 * Henry XXXII: [revealed to be sitting on high throne with king-life suit and stick] I am Henry the Thirty Second of The Kingdom of Castles and Dungeons. You may address as Henry, simply, or as I just stated my name and vice versa.
 * Pearl: May I refer to you as, maybe, Ned? [points to visible name tag]
 * Henry: [throws name tag out of store]
 * Voice: Hey!
 * Henry: Anything but Ned. Now, what brings you here, fair maiden?
 * Pearl: I am here to seek employment...in a way. Just until I can get one dollar.
 * Henry: Is this the legal currency that you come in quest to seek? [takes out dollar from wallet]
 * Pearl: Yes! Give it here! Give it here!
 * Henry: You will receive this fine reward when you perform your vigorous duties during this fine workday. For now, I shall stow it in my fine paper compartment. [places dollar in wallet]
 * Pearl: I'll do it...only if you stop talking in that lame Euro-sea-an accent.
 * Ned: [in a nerdy tone] Fine. So much for my royal voice. Just get to work. You start immediately. [takes off royal coat and steps off throne]
 * Pearl: Great! What do I do?
 * Ned: You stand here with these glasses on, [puts glasses on Pearl], wearing this cloak, [places cloak on Pearl], and holding this stick. Then, greet the customers with this line. [hands Pearl an index card]
 * Pearl: I be-ith a fair maiden from the great land of Castles and Dungeons. I am here to greet-ith you and your kin with fun toys and entertainment everywhere. Welcome to our kingdom. [throws index card] I am not reading this.
 * Ned: Then I guess no dollar for you. [begins writing a form] You were a good employee, Ms. Pearl Krabs. But unfortanetly...
 * Pearl: [begins hugging Ned's legs] Oh, please, Mr. Ned. Don't let me go! I really need that dollar. Do you want a pair of heels to be left in a store? Cold? Hungry? No where to go?
 * Michelle: Pearl, are you begging at the legs of that nerd?
 * Darla: Come on, Michelle. We don't know her...except for when we tell everyone at school.
 * [Michelle and Darla leave, giggling]
 * Ned: Who needs enemies when you have friends like that? You're hired. But if want that dollar, you have to work for it. Go to aisle six and pick up those plastic axes.
 * Pearl: [picking up axes] All of this work for nothing but a dollar? [looks at watch] Ten thirty. It's getting pretty late. The mall closes in half an hour. That means I can go home at eleven!
 * Ted: Hello, fair maiden. My name is Ted. I am Ned's brother. Welcome to the Castles of Dungeons kingdom. I will guide you with whatever you need.
 * Pearl: Uh...thank you for-eth the warm welcome, my sir. I will-ith be sure...to...uh...alert thy Ted if any...uh...trouble come-ith my way.
 * Ted: You speak like the King of Sea-Mart down the walkway. [walks away]
 * Pearl: [scoffs] Nerds. [begins stacking more toys]
 * [Pearl begins to overhear Ned speaking on the phone]
 * Ned: Yeah, I hired someone tonight. Man is she stubborn. She doesn't know how good she has it. She has a family, lots of money, and a house.
 * Pearl: I wonder how he knew some of that other stuff.
 * Ned: And you won't believe this part. She seeked employment for just one measly dollar.
 * Pearl: That dollar was not measly. A dollar is worthy very much. [gets tackled by Mr. Krabs] Daddy, what are you doing?
 * Mr. Krabs: What are you talking about, criminal? I am not your father. My daughter is home, sleeping away. And my daughter would never wear a cloak, glasses, and be holding a royal stick. And besides, she would never steal [holds up dollar] a dollar from me.
 * Pearl: A dollar. That's just what I need. [runs to shoe store and purchases her last pair of boots]
 * Mr. Krabs: Pearly, it was you the whole time? My own daughter was the thief? How could you do that? You snuck off to the mall...in the middle of the night...to buy shoes?
 * Pearl: Don't forget clothes.
 * Mr. Krabs: You're saying that like it's a good thing! You're coming home with me right now! [grabs Pearl by arm]
 * Pearl: [yanks arm back] But I can't go back home yet, daddy. There's something that I really need to do before I leave. [grabs index card; stands in front of leaving customers] Thank your for-eth shopping at our kingdom. We hope-ith to see you in the future. It was-ith a pleasure to serve everything to, hopefully, your liking-ith. Come back next.
 * Ned: [peeks head out office door] Wow, Pearl. You actually did it. But why?
 * Pearl: I overheard you on the phone. And then I thought about what you said, and you're right. By the way, closing time. [takes off cloak and glasses; takes off glasses] I'm finally free!
 * Mr. Krabs: You know you're grounded right?
 * Pearl: But...[begins to wail]
 * Mr. Krabs: [puts on noise-cancelling headphones] Curse you faulty noise-cancelling headphones!
 * [episode ends]