The Fake Virtuoso

The Fake Virtuoso is the eighteenth episode of the spin-off, Absorbent Days, and the eighteenth episode of season one. In this episode, after attempting to play his clarinet, Squidward becomes frustrated after numerous attempts to play a simple piece of music. He records his clarinet playing on a record, yet it slips out of the window, plummeting to the ground. SpongeBob’s record also slips out of the window, due to Patrick, plummeting to the ground. SpongeBob sends out to fetch the right record, accidently taking Squidward’s record instead, while Squidward accidently takes SpongeBob’s record. Now Squidward thinks he is a virtuoso, for he picked up SpongeBob’s record of Kelpy G. while SpongeBob picked up Squidward’s record, hearing loads of sour notes. Now, Squidward has gotten himself into a larger mess than he could have ever imagined. Can he get himself out of this? Will SpongeBob see the truth behind Kelpy G. Productions? This episode is paired with Doesn’t Phase Me.

Characters

 * Squidward Tentacles
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Gary the Snail (cameos)
 * Patrick Star (cameos)
 * Miscellaneous Background Characters

Transcript

 * [episode begins with Squidward, practicing his clarinet]
 * Squidward: [plays squeaked note; stops playing; throws clarinet in anger] Oh no! What have I done?! [runs and grabs pillow; rushes in front of clarinet, catching it with pillow] I shouldn't take my anger out on the thing I love most. [camera cuts to show Squidward looking at a portrait of his mother; Squidward looks down at the clarinet in pillow] This thing right here.
 * Sound Recorder: [takes off earphones] What was that? [begins digging out ear] I think you damaged my hearing. [stops recorder] Why don't you try playing better?! This is going to cost me a fortune! I'm out of here! [stomps of door; looks back in] At least I think that's what I said. [stomps out]
 * Squidward: [scoffs] Bottom feeder. He asks as if I really need him. [places hands on record] I can sell this recording myself...when it's legal. [tugs on disc] Hmm...a little snug. [begins to tug harder] This is impossible! How am I going to listen to it now?! [hits table; record flies out of window] Nooo!
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob, holding a record; Patrick is standing next to him, sleeping]
 * SpongeBob: [holds record] Finally. The Serenade El' Coral, the best-selling single of the great clarinetist, Kelpy G. [pats Patrick's back] Thanks, Patrick.
 * Patrick: [wakes up] Huh. [growls] Oh, come on, SpongeBob! I was getting to the best part of my dream! The part where you were thanking me for getting you that record.
 * SpongeBob: [leaps on Patrick with hug] Oh, thank you again, Patrick. How can I ever repay you.
 * Patrick: You could get off of me. [arms being to wiggle] I'm losing my balance! [slips and falls to the ground] Oof.
 * SpongeBob: [rubs head] Well, that happened. [looks at record] At least the record is still safe. And to think, after that fall, we are too.
 * Patrick: Not for long! [smacks record out of SpongeBob's hand] Don't worry, buddy. I saved us from that monstrous black bomb! [throws SpongeBob onto ground] But don't worry. I'll save us. [leaps on SpongeBob]
 * SpongeBob: [muffled] But what about Gary?!
 * Patrick: Me don't think we have the time to save ol' Gareth, SpongeBob! He had a good run. [sheds tear] He's had a good run.
 * [scene cuts to the records; Squidward's record is rolling on the ground; SpongeBob's record rolls right by it, onto Squidward's land; SpongeBob's record rolls and lands on Squidward's land]
 * Squidward: [bursts out of door] Is it still okay?! [sniffs record] Smells the same. [hits it on arm] Feels the same. [throws record similar to boomerang; slices through mailbox; record comes back to Squidward] Hmm...nothing happened. [mailbox explodes] Perfect! [camera cuts to Squidward, upstairs, about to play the record in his record player] Now let's listen to my mastery. [leans toward "play" button] Wait! [stands up] I need some tea for this great moment.
 * [scene cuts to Patrick, piled on top of SpongeBob]
 * SpongeBob: [muffled] Patrick, I have a question.
 * Patrick: What is it, buddy?
 * SpongeBob: If that record was really a bomb, then how come it hasn't exploded yet?
 * Patrick: Hmm. Good question. [stands up] I must've miscalculated the designation of the explosives.
 * SpongeBob: What does that mean?
 * Patrick: I have no idea, but you must get your record! It's out there! In the cold! You must get it! [picks up SpongeBob]
 * SpongeBob: [camera pans as SpongeBob lands on his record] Oh, here it is. [rolls on back; extends arms, lifting the record with hands; retracts arms] Hmm...looks like it's okay. [taps record on arm] Feels strong enough. Now for the true test. [throws record like a boomerang; the record slices through several buildings; flies back to SpongeBob's hand; Squidward's house collapses]
 * Squidward: [at tea brewer] SpongeBob, you're going to pay for this! [begins running on air] I better get upstairs! [stops] Wait. Is there an upstairs? [looks down; begins falling and yells; lands on record player] There she is. [leans toward play button] It's time to listen to my masterpiece. [presses play] Get ready. [hears beautiful clarinet playing] Whoa! This...sounds...[tears up] amazing! [begins dancing and laughing] This sounds just like Kelpy G's Serenade El' Coral, which was the exact piece I was trying to play. [twirls] Oh, I knew I was a virtuoso!
 * Voice: In your dreams, Squid-paste!
 * Squidward: [looks at window] Oh yeah, citizen?! You'll see! I'll be the greatest virtuoso this ocean has ever seen. [looks at window pane] How do I have a window pane? [window pushes Squidward to ground] Oof. My neck.
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob, placing his record in the record player]
 * SpongeBob: [turns record around in fingers] Time to listen to the Holy Coral of musicians, huh, Gary? [record rotates out of fingers] Look out, Patrick.
 * Patrick: Huh? What? [turns around; body's elasticity bounces the record back to SpongeBob; rubs tummy] Ha ha. It tickles as if...if were...ha ha...tickling.
 * SpongeBob: [catches record] Now it's time to listen to it, huh, Gary?
 * Gary: [snoring on ground; wakes up] Meow? Meow?
 * SpongeBob: [presses "play" button] Let's listen to her.
 * Record Player: Please wait while this record buffers.
 * SpongeBob: [looks at watch; sighs] This may take some time.
 * [Title card appears; 5 hours later]
 * SpongeBob: [snoring] This is taking forever. [snoring] This is taking forever. [snores]
 * Record Player: Hey, Sponge! The record finished buffering five hours ago! The buffering only takes about thirty seconds!
 * Gary: Meow meow. [squirts snail goo at SpongeBob] Meow. [squirts again] Meow meow. [squirts one last time, waking SpongeBob]
 * SpongeBob: Huh? What? [presses play button; hears an abundance of squeaked notes] Hey! This isn't my Kelpy G! At least I don't think it is. Patrick, show me the packaging!
 * Patrick: [turns around] Huh? Oh, sorry. I didn't get a receipt for the record, SpongeBob. I ate all of the paper [rubs tummy] before they could print it out.
 * SpongeBob: Not the receipt, Patrick. The packaging. [packaging hits SpongeBob's face] Well, you didn't have to throw it at me, Patrick. [face pops back out to original form] Yep. Here it is. [camera pans down to small print] It is produced by Kelpy G...well...Productions. [throws box away] Onward [hops onto Gary's shell] to Kelpy G. Headquarters.
 * Gary: Meow meow! [throws SpongeBob off of shell]
 * [scene cuts to Squidward, watching his television]
 * Squidward: [places record on finger, spinning it] This is the life. [lays back on couch; turns channel on television] Soon I'll have servants that can do all of this stuff for me. [flips to channel]
 * Television: Welcome back to the Kelpy G. Network. Before we went to commercial, we were discussing the Kelpy G. contest, a contest in which you can earn the spotlight at Kelpy G's opening concert.
 * Squidward: [presses off button on remote, turning off television] This is almost too easy. [leans back in sofa] Well, I better get to it. [sits up; holds back in pain] Ow! My back! [leans back; sighs] Whoa. This is hard.
 * [scene cuts to the audition center; Squidward is standing in line]
 * Squidward: [yawns] This is taking forever.
 * Male Fish 1: Hey, watch it, buddy! [corresses trombone] You nearly got your yawn air on my trombone. [points at Squidward] Watch your mouth.
 * Squidward: Watch your mouth before something white comes out of it. [male fish and Squidward growl at each other]
 * Male Fish 2: Next! Next person in line!
 * Squidward: [pushes male fish down; runs to desk] I'm next, Mr. Manager. [throws contract on the desk] There you go, maestro. Feast on the greatness that is my contract, and don't hesitate to beg at my very feet for me to join your little or-clam-stra. It is with great honor that...
 * Male Fish 2: [throws contract back at Squidward's face] You didn't get the job, squid! Next!
 * Squidward: Wait? What? [places ear right on Male Fish 2's mouth] What was that again? Just to make sure I heard you.
 * Male Fish 2: [whispers] Oh, okay. [intakes air; yells] You didn't...[inhales]...get...[inhales]...the part!! [air blows Squidward into wall]
 * Squidward: [stands up] This doesn't make any sense. [angry] This is anarchy! [points around room] I have more talent than the entire seven seas combined! You can't banish me like that!
 * Female Fish 1: [mockingly] Oh yeah, well prove it.
 * Squidward: I will! [begins playing squeaked notes terribly; the sound causes all of the fish to scramble out of the building; the maestro is pinned to the wall]
 * Male Fish 2: [trembling; places a check next to Squidward Tentacles on paper] You got the part. Just get out of here with that...[points to clarinet] torture device.
 * Squidward: I knew you would sooner or later recognize my talents sooner or later. [walks out of building with confidence]
 * Male Fish 2: I guess I am in the wrong line of work.
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob, at Kelpy G. Productions]
 * SpongeBob: Can't you see?! This specifically says that it was produced by Kelpy G. Productions! [holds up package] Right there!
 * Female Fish 2: We know, sir. We have no idea why the record sounds like a clam choking on a piece of coral. It's just very perplexing.
 * Patrick: Ah ha! A confession!
 * SpongeBob: Hold it, Patrick. [looks at record] There's something on the record. [reads fine print] I think it says "Property of Squidward Tentacles". No wonder it sounds so terrible. It was Squidward. We have to return this to him.
 * Patrick: I'll catch up with you. [looks at Female Fish 2 suspiciously] I have a few more questions for this missy. [SpongeBob exits] Tell me what you did with the real record...or you'll be dealing with these two babies. [holds up fists]
 * Female Fish 2: [looks plainly] Security!
 * [scene cuts to Squidward, backstage with his clarinet]
 * Squidward: This is it, Susie. This is the moment where we shine. This is where we prove that we have the talent this town is looking for. The time where we show Kelpy that we are just as good as he is! [holds up record] And just to prove it, let's play our record again. [places record into record player; hears beautiful clarinet] Wait until the crowd hears this. [slips on water; faceplants onto record; record and Squidward slam into wall; record breaks; only one piece remains on the record; Squidward catches it] Oh no! My record! [calmly] No matter. I'll just record another. [looks at fine print] Huh? What's this? "Property of Kelpy G."?!
 * Voice: [calmly] What? [camera pans up a squid's legs to reveal Kelpy G.] You stole my record? [snatches it back] That's an easy way to get a calm trip to prison. Lucky for you, I want to see your clarinet talents. Get on that stage, little squid. [throws Squidward onto stage]
 * [camera cuts to reveal SpongeBob, on the roof, with Squidward's true record]
 * SpongeBob: Here we go, Gary. Time to give Squidward his record back. [ties rope around record, and sends it onto record player]
 * Squidward: [camera cuts to Squidward; gulps] Okay. [sighs] Time to knock them down with their talents. [takes in breath]
 * [camera cuts to record player, where it begins to play Squidward's sour notes]
 * Squidward: [takes clarinet from face; looks back at record player in shock] What's that terrible noise?
 * Crowd: Boo! Boo! [begins throwing food at Squidward] Boo! Boo! [Squidward runs off of stage]
 * SpongeBob: Yay, Gary! [hugs Gary] The crowd loved it! So much, they're booing as a sign to show how scared they are from how great the music was.
 * [scene cuts to Squidward, watching television the next day; appears to have been sobbing]
 * Squidward: Well, I guess my fame in the world of music is just like what's in the back of the Krusty Krab. [sniffles] Garbage. [begins crying]
 * News Reporter: [on television] Breaking news! Squidward Tentacles' fiasco last night at the Bikini Bottom Or-Clam-Stra House of Arts. What was thought to be a tragic night...[Squidward sniffles] was not! [Squidward jumps onto feet]
 * Squidward: What?!
 * News Reporter: That's right. Found behind stage was a recording from a hoax recording company. The record claims it was the property of Mr. Tentacles, yet it was all just sound editing. Therefore, there is absolutely no proof that Mr. Tentacles is a terrible musician.
 * Squidward: [turns off television] I knew I was talented. [takes out clarinet; begins playing; camera pans out of Squidward's house]
 * [episode ends with the sound of Squidward's clarinet playing]