Cream of Cheat

Cream of Cheat is the fifth episode of the Absorbent Days series and the fifth episode of season one. After failing millions of boating exams, SpongeBob is desperate to past a test. In the store, Surplus R' Us, SpongeBob runs into racing legend Sheldon "Speedy" Salmon who tries to give SpongeBob pointers. But after he deems SpongeBob unteachable, SpongeBob gives Sheldon a makeover, making him look like him. Mrs. Puff invites the surrogate SpongeBob to dinner, but at dessert, she gets suspicious after a series of events. Will she find out during dessert?

Characters

 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Poppy Puff (debut)
 * Sheldon "Speedy" Salmon (debut)
 * Gary the Snail (cameos)

Trivia

 * Sheldon Salmon has the same first name as Sheldon J. Plankton.
 * Though not mentioned in the episode, Mrs. Puff's first name was mentioned in the "Characters" section of the episode.
 * This episode shows Bikini Bottom has another store located in the city named Surplus R' Us.
 * Sheldon "Speedy" Salmon is the second character in the series to have a name that reveals the species of fish he or she is. The first characters was Poppy Puff, revealing she is a pufferfish. Sheldon's last name is Salmon, revealing he is a salmon.
 * This is the first episode to use a food item that exists in reality.
 * When Sheldon says SpongeBob asks a lot of questions, it is similar to the muscular fishes from the previous episode "The Chum Returns".
 * This episode reveals the brand of snail food Gary gets: Uncle Slug's Snail Food.
 * It is revealed there was a racing era that lasted from an unknown date through or ended in 1993.
 * It is not revealed in the episode how SpongeBob made Sheldon's voice sound like his own or even if he did make it sound like his own. It must be possible due to Mrs. Puff not realizing the change in voice if SpongeBob did not alter Sheldon's voice.
 * Reasons Mrs. Puff could have been suspicious but are not revealed: Sheldon accidently calls her Mrs. Poff, the obvious change in driving ability and SpongeBob's sponge abilities would allow him no use for a towel.
 * When SpongeBob says "It is an unfortunate truth", it is the same line Squidward says to Plankton in the original SpongeBob SquarePants series episode "Sweet and Sour Squidward".
 * When Mrs. Puff is checking SpongeBob off and saying "SpongeBob is passed" repeatedly, it is a parody toward Victorious when Sikowitz is checking Trina Vega into Hollywood Arts.
 * This episode is so far the first episode with the least amount of characters, being only four.
 * SpongeBob is shown to have progressively gotten worse at boating. In the original series' episode "Demolition Doofus", SpongeBob is shown to crash while just having a real steering wheel handed to him. In this episode, he crashes even without a real steering wheel in his hands.
 * Though the episode description says "Will she find out during dessert?", they never eat dessert.
 * This is the first, and possibly the only episode of season one, Absorbent Days episode to not have a pairing episode.

Transcript

 * [episode starts with SpongeBob standing behind an ambulance while paramedics are putting an inflated Mrs. Puff into an ambulance on a gurney]
 * SpongeBob: Sorry, Mrs. Puff. I'll try and do harder next quarter.
 * Mrs. Puff: Don't remind me, SpongeBob. I just want to get to my medical bed tonight [whispers] and not think about you for once.
 * SpongeBob: Well, I better go clean up the damage.
 * [SpongeBob looks at the abundance of damage and a wrecked boat]
 * SpongeBob: Actually, I'll just call Damage Control. [takes out clam-phone]
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob's pineapple]
 * Gary: Meow.
 * SpongeBob: Exactly, Gary. I just don't see how I fail every boating exam I ever take. I'm only good the first few inches I drive. Then, when I grab [imitates grabbing steering wheel] the steering wheel, I go all [flown into kitchen by imaginary car] haywire! [crashes into cabinet and falls to ground, only to have Gary's food bowl fall onto him] Gary, that's it! You're out of snail food! I should get you some more.
 * Gary: Meow.
 * SpongeBob: What do you mean you've been trying to tell me that for the past half hour?
 * Gary: Meow.
 * SpongeBob: What do you mean I was constantly rambling?
 * Gary: [slugs away] Meow.
 * SpongeBob: And yes it is okay to grab the steering wheel after you drive the boat a few inches. There's no law against it!
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob pushing a cart at Surplus R' Us]
 * SpongeBob: Snail food. Snail food. [looks in an aisle and sees snail food] Here we go. Uncle Slug's Snail Balls, Gary's favorite. Well, at least it was. [pushes cart back only to run in a male fish] Pardon me, sir. Wait a minute. You're no sir. You're racing legend Sheldon Salmon!
 * Sheldon: Sssh! Yes, I'm him. And just by the way that cart hit my thigh, I can tell you have some problems with...well...operating a boat.
 * SpongeBob: It is an unfortunate truth.
 * Sheldon: Well don't just stand there and reminisce on that. You've got the best racer in Bikini Bottom since the racing era of 1993.
 * SpongeBob: You're exactly right, Sheldon! [takes out pen and paper] May I have your autograph?
 * Sheldon: No, boy. I'm here because I'm here to teach you how to drive like a professional...or at least a regular driver.
 * SpongeBob: Usually what Mrs. Puff says, but I'll do it. [writes down address] What time will you be able to get there?
 * Sheldon: Sooner than you think.
 * [SpongeBob runs home and runs into living room]
 * SpongeBob: I don't see what he was talking about.
 * Sheldon: I don't see what took you so long.
 * SpongeBob: How did you...? Where did you...? So, are you ready to start the lesson?
 * Sheldon: Full of questions, huh? Let's get on the road.
 * [scene cuts to a circular race track where Sheldon is gripping on to a seat, obviously scared, while SpongeBob is driving the boat uncontrollably]
 * SpongeBob: Don't worry. I got it! I got it! [crashes boat into nearby tree]
 * Sheldon: Well, bad news first. You drove the boat into a tree, in the forest, which is no where near the race track. The good news is you're going to be easy to teach. The harder the student, the easier to teach in my book.
 * [camera cuts to Sheldon looking at the shattered remains of the race track and the bow of the boat on fire]
 * Sheldon: Sorry about this, SpongeBob, but, I think we can all see that you're unteachable. [begins to walk away]
 * SpongeBob: Wait, Sheldon! You're the best instructor I know, and I know I'm not worthy of your teachings, but please, please teach me to drive.
 * Sheldon: No way! The only way you can drive like me is if you were me.
 * SpongeBob: That's it.
 * [scene cuts to montage of SpongeBob giving Sheldon a makeover, making him look exactly like SpongeBob himself]
 * [scene cuts to Mrs. Puff's boating where the surrogate SpongeBob is waiting in the boat for Mrs. Puff]
 * [Mrs. Puff enters the room]
 * Mrs. Puff: [enters boat] Okay SpongeBob. Let's get this over with so I can get back to my reserved room.
 * Surrogate SpongeBob: Yes, Mrs. Poff.
 * Mrs. Puff: Poff?
 * [the surrogate SpongeBob begins to drive the car smoothly down the boating track]
 * Mrs. Puff: This driving is...well...absolutely exquisite. Look out for the approaching car!
 * [car swerves out of way of the oncoming car]
 * Mrs. Puff: [covering her eyes] What part of my body is broken, SpongeBob? [uncovers eyes] Wait, there's nothing broken! We haven't crashed yet!
 * [scene cuts to Mrs. Puff having the surrogate SpongeBob standing in front of her desk]
 * Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob is passed. [checks off box] SpongeBob is passed. [checks off box] I'm so impressed with your sudden improvement in your driving skills, SpongeBob.
 * Surrogate SpongeBob: Well, what can I say?
 * Mrs. Puff: Well I know what I can say, SpongeBob: you have passed my class and I don't have to see you again for the rest of my boating life. I mean, how would you like to come to dinner tonight?
 * Surrogate SpongeBob: That sounds great, Mrs. Puff.
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob lying on the bed, coughing]
 * Sheldon: [out of makeup] You said what?
 * SpongeBob: I'm too sick to go, Sheldon. It's a surprise cold. You have to go to the dinner.
 * Sheldon: Can't I just call and cancel?
 * SpongeBob: [manhandles Sheldon's collar] Listen to me. You have no idea how it feels to fail every single boating exam you've had ever since the beginning of boating school. You have to go. Do it for me!
 * Sheldon: Fine, I'll do it. But on one condition: [hands SpongeBob a broom] You clean up the racing track.
 * [scene cuts to the surrogate SpongeBob sitting down at Mrs. Puff's dining table]
 * Mrs. Puff: [at oven] I haven't seen driving like that in years, SpongeBob, even not my own. I even think you're on the verge on becoming an expert driver.
 * Surrogate SpongeBob: [whispers] You have no idea. [a swab of makeup falls right onto the table] Oh no.
 * Mrs. Puff: What was that?
 * Surrogate SpongeBob: Oh, I just felt my stomach rumbling, that's all. [uses shirt to wipe up makeup]
 * Mrs. Puff: Don't worry. My macoroni surprise will be ready any minute.
 * Surrogate SpongeBob: Great. [more makeup falls onto shirt] May you excuse me a minute?
 * [scene cuts to bathroom where all of the makeup falls off of Sheldon]
 * Sheldon: Oh no, what am I going to do? [pulls towel down from rack and places it over body]
 * Mrs. Puff: Macoroni is ready. [looks at surrogate SpongeBob covered by a towel] What happened?
 * Sheldon: Oh, it was a soft towel...so I decided to put this one on me.
 * Mrs. Puff: Yeah, but that's my only good towel. [hears crash] What was that?
 * Sheldon: I'll go check.
 * [scene cuts to bathroom]
 * Sheldon: Who's in here? Show yourself before I have to use my mad ninja skills on you.
 * SpongeBob: It's just me. [camera cuts to toilet where SpongeBob is stuck in the rim] Got myself in quite a sticky situation.
 * Sheldon: [pulls SpongeBob out of toilet] What are you doing here.
 * SpongeBob: I [coughs] decided that I needed to be my own man and tell Mrs. Puff the truth. It would be better if she doesn't like me.
 * Sheldon: Well we can't now. She's already passed you.
 * Mrs. Puff: [kicks open door] What? I heard everything through the door. Who are you, imposter? [pulls towel off of Sheldon] Sheldon "Speedy" Salmon, the best racer in Bikini Bottom. You were the one who drove the boat? And SpongeBob, what are you doing here?
 * SpongeBob: Let me explain. [10 minutes later] And that's I winded up here.
 * Mrs. Puff: Well now that I know what happened, I'd like to treat both of you two to dessert. [holds up two bowls of oatmeal like substance] We're having cream of wheat. [pours bowls over Sheldon and SpongeBob's heads] Get out my house! [exits the room]
 * SpongeBob: So does this mean that I didn't pass my boating exam?
 * Sheldon: SpongeBob, is this really the time to be joking right now? You did not pass your boating exam!
 * SpongeBob: I know. [begins to cry] It's just that I can never pass a boating exam. [begins to sob]
 * Sheldon: I might have an idea.
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob riding Gary down the boating track]
 * SpongeBob: You're doing great, Gary. I might pass this boating exam yet. [pretends to hold steering wheel only to crash Gary]
 * Gary: Meow meow meow.
 * SpongeBob: Gary, I know.