Samba Mater

Samba Mater is the twenty-second episode of the spin-off, Absorbent Days, and the second episode of season two. In this episode, after Squilliam visits Squidward’s house during cleaning day, Squidward engages in another gloating contest. This contest inadvertently includes his college transcript, which Squidward claims is flawless. Yet, after carefully scoping the transcript, Squilliam points out that Squidward in fact got an “F” in samba. This sends Squidward into a mild depression, and SpongeBob must get him out of it. But how will SpongeBob do it? This episode is paired with Eye on the Krab.

Characters

 * Squidward Tentacles
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Eugene H. Krabs (cameo)
 * Miscellaneous Characters
 * Customers
 * Dancers
 * Judges
 * Judge 1
 * Other three judges (yet with no speaking parts)

Transcript

 * [episode begins with Squidward, spiffing up his house with paintings and cleaning rooms and the kitchen]
 * Squidward: [wipes table off with duster; sniffs] Hmm. This dust smells lovely. [sniffs bristles of duster; begins coughing] I don't think...[coughs] maybe I shouldn't...[coughs] inhale dust...[single cough] so quicky. Word to the wise, Squiddy.
 * [camera cuts to outside of Squidward's window; Squidward is walking toward window with a bottle of cleaner and a wipe; camera cuts to inside of Squidward's house as he sprays the window and wipes]
 * Squidward: [scans the window and magnifying glass] Everything I can see seems to be in check. [holds up index finger] Now for the true test. [takes window off of wall; places glass under microscope; scans surface with lens] Clean. Clean. Clean. Cl...speck! [camera cuts to reveal the speck on the glass] No matter. [places mouth to glass and blows speck off] Now it's perfect. [carries window back to wall] Now to put you back on your humble throne where you shall now hang. [begins to place window to wall; Squilliam breaks in through window]
 * Squilliam: Hello-ho. [crawls in through window; throws window pane away]
 * Squidward: [defensively] Squilliam! How dare you invade the privacy of my abode?!
 * Squilliam: [begins walking around; sarcastically] Oh, pardon my sudden entrance to your home, Squidward. I want to say that I have an excuse for this. [turns around to Squidward] Oh wait! I do. Two, in fact. [walks around Squidward]
 * Squidward: [stops Squlliam's walking by standing face-to-face with him] And what exactly would those reasons be?
 * Squilliam: [chuckles; sprays mouth spray into Squidward's mouth; walks toward coffee table] First of all, isn't a squid's home any squid's home?
 * Squidward: [scoffs] As if.
 * Squilliam: [leans back on couch] The last and most important reason...[laughs] almost as important as myself...is that I now work for the Fancy House Department of Bikini Bottom. It's the most prestigous department in all of Bikini Bottom. Surprised [sticks nose up] you hadn't heard about it. Someone with your [coughs sarcastically] credentials can't be welcomed in.
 * Squidward: [stutters] My...with my...cre...what exactly is that supposed to mean?! I'll have you know that I passed with high honors in only the top classes at Grand Barrier Academy.
 * Squilliam: [sarcastic shocked face] You don't say. I'd like to see some proof of that.
 * Squidward: Proof?! [goes to drawer and searches through it; walks over to table] Let's see where I put it.
 * Squilliam: [digging through fingernails] Having to search your house for such petty things like papers? [scoffs] How nonfancy.
 * Squidward: [whispers; Save it for your house description, Squilliam. [takes out a sheet of paper] Right here. [holds up sheet of paper to Squilliam's face] Do you see it? Huh? Huh?!
 * Squilliam: [sprays paper] It needs to be scented. [looks at transcript sheet; takes sheet]
 * Squidward: See?! Perfect. How's that for unfancy?! [walks back to table] Now, if you excuse me, [straightens plant] I have a house to tidy up. [sticks nose up at Squilliam] I suggest that you depart.
 * Squilliam: Oh, of course, Squid-Puffs. I shall say my too-da-loos...but right after I point out one last imperfection. [brings transcript to Squidward] Well, I must now say ta-ta as of now. [out of door arch; holding door knob] Enjoy cleaning up your [coughs] abode, Squidward. [shuts door]
 * Squidward: [scoffs] Why does that Squilliam always have to put his stubby little palms all over my stuff? [looks at transcript] Almost smudged my perfect report card. [dusts off transcript] There we go. Spiffy. [looks at grades] All neatly lined with two horizontal lines connected by a straight line in the middle. [looks at final grade] And here, we have one vertical line with two horizontal lines extending from it. [leans closer] It looks like...[gasps; yells in fear] Aaaaaaah! Aaaah! [leans in] How can this be? An...an...an...
 * SpongeBob: [stands up into scene] I believe that letter right there is an "F", Squidward.
 * Squidward: [places face right to SpongeBob] An "F" indeed, SpongeBob! An "F" indeed! [points to transcript] How can this be? An imperfection! Right there! How can this be possible?
 * SpongeBob: [pats Squidward on back] Now now. I'm sure there's a logical reason as to why you got an "F".
 * Squidward: No, SpongeBob! It's impossible. The "F" is in my second best class! Dance! I could have sworn I had an "A" in that class when I graduated college!
 * SpongeBob: [shrugs shoulders] Well, could it be possible that you maybe just...
 * Squidward: [clapses SpongeBob's mouth with fingers] Don't say it! There has to be some other way!
 * SpongeBob: [mouth comes through Sqidward's fingers] It's the only way, Squidward. You must face the facts. The tough reality. The heat-wrenching truth. The...
 * Squidward: [lets go of SpongeBob's mouth] I get it, SpongeBob. [looks down; sighs] I guess I'll just have to face facts is all. I failed dance class.
 * SpongeBob: See. [pats back] Now that wasn't so hard, now was it?
 * Squidward: Yes. Yes it was. [begins to walk away] Maybe a little too hard. [sighs; walks up stairs]
 * SpongeBob: [picks up transcript] An "F" in dance, eh? [continues reading] And in samba. [gets idea] I think I know a way to fix this.
 * [scene cuts to the Krusty Krab; Mr. Krabs is walking around the Krusty Krab dining area; SpongeBob is cooking Krabby Patties and taking orders in place of Squidward]
 * SpongeBob: [at grill] One Krabby Patty and two large Krabby Fries. [flips patty; patty lands on bun] Why did they have to order fries? [runs to fry batch; take fry pan out of grease; bell rings; SpongeBob hops out of window to ravenous customers; rises from register with notepad and pencil] May I take your order, ma'am?
 * Mr. Krabs: [comes up to counter] SpongeBob, this customer is obviously a male!
 * Customer: [with female voice] Why, I oughta...[hand comes at Mr. Krabs in intention to slap; hand comes back at customer; hand slaps off wig, revealing a bald scalp; in a male voice] Well, this is embarrasing. [walks away]
 * SpongeBob: [next customer walks up] May I take...
 * Mr. Krabs: [picks up SpongeBob] May I ask you a question. [places SpongeBob in corner] Why isn't Squidward here manning the register?
 * SpongeBob: He's forlorn.
 * Mr. Krabs: Forlorn?
 * SpongeBob: He realized he got an "F" in samba in college, and he's depressed.
 * Mr. Krabs: So? [throws up arms] He needs to be behind that register! I'm losing money because of this shenanigan! Get out there and bring that cephalopod back here so he can man that register! Right after I scold him!
 * SpongeBob: [salutes] Yes, sir! [runs out of Krusty Krab] I think I have a better plan, though, Mr. Krabs.
 * [scene cuts to Squidward's bedroom; Squidward is lying in bed, watching television; his eyes are squinted; he has a faint beard shadow; Squidward is surrounded by tissues and a tissue box]
 * Squidward: [sniffles] Maybe I can lose myself in the world of television...
 * Television: We'll be right back after these messages.
 * Squidward: ...Right after these messages.
 * Commercial: Are you a failure?
 * Squidward: [crosses arms] No.
 * Commercial: Do you need to learn how to dance?
 * Squidward: [looks away] No.
 * Commercial: Is there a certain squid out there who is in denial?
 * Squidward: N...[sighs] yes.
 * Commercial: Then come on down to the Square Dancing Academy.
 * Squidward: Square dancing?
 * Commercial: Where we teach, you guessed it...[laughs] samba!
 * Squidward: Samba?! Wait a minute. Samba?
 * Commercial: So come on down today. Learn to samba.
 * Squidward: [smiles] I knew I could lose myself in television.
 * [scene cuts to Squidward, walking down the street]
 * Squidward: [looks around] The place is supposed to be around here somewhere. [sees building] Ah, here we are. [walks into building with a glossy floor; bright lights and surrounded with dancers; Squidward spots the instructor] Ah. Yes. [walks to instructor] Hello there, my good man.
 * SpongeBob: [turns around] Hey, Squidward!
 * Squidward: SpongeBob?! What are you doing here?!
 * SpongeBob: I see you didn't get my subliminal message.
 * Squidward: Subliminal...? You made that commercial?!
 * SpongeBob: [nods head] Indeed.
 * Squidward: What subliminal message?!
 * SpongeBob: This place [holds out arms] is called Square Dancing Academy. Square. Get it? [points to pants]
 * Squidward: [grabs SpongeBob by arms] Yes, I get. [pulls SpongeBob to face] Why did you drag me here?
 * SpongeBob: For you to learn, silly. [Squidward releases grip and steps back from SpongeBob] For you to learn...the art...of...[holds left arm in front of torso and throws the right arm into the air, imitating an "olé" pose] samba!
 * Squidward: [to self] Why do I feel as if there's no way out of this?
 * [scene cuts to an empty dance room; SpongeBob, in a dance suit, is standing next to Squidward, also in a dance suit]
 * SpongeBob: Now, you want to learn how to samba, eh, Squidward?
 * Squidward: Learn?!
 * SpongeBob: Yes, learn.
 * Squidward: But I already k...!
 * SpongeBob: Beh beh beh. [holds up finger] Squidward, you cannot learn how to do any dance. You can only feel the steps inside you, and turn them into dance.
 * Squidward: Huh?
 * SpongeBob: Allow me to demonstrate. [breathes in] Squidward, show me the "Coral Crackle".
 * Squidward: [smiles] Gladly. [hops and lands on one foot]
 * SpongeBob: Stop! [shakes head] Nope. Wrong.
 * Squidward: Wrong? This is the exact way it goes.
 * SpongeBob: Yes, but you are too firm. [points to foot] Your foot learned the moves, yet I can tell that you only know the moves. You don't let the pulse flow through you, and turn that knowledge into [pronounces it like "dawnce"] dance.
 * Squidward: [says "dawnce" as well] Dance?! I know well enough about [repeats "dawnce] dance to go around! I don't need this! [rips off suit; stomps out of scene]
 * [scene cuts to the Krusty Krab; Squidward is behind the register, taking an order]
 * Squidward: So, can I take your order?
 * Customer 2: Where exactly is the menu?
 * Squidward: Menu? It's right [points upward with pen] there.
 * Customer 2: [looks up] No, sir. [points to the menu] I believe it's actually right there.
 * Squidward: [looks up at pen, pointing to the right of the menu] Huh? [to self] I could have sworn I was pointing to the menu.
 * Customer 2: [looks at menu] I want a Krabby Patty. Hold the cheese.
 * Squidward: [begins writing down order] Krabby Patty. Hold the cheese. Coming up.
 * Customer 2: [looks at pad] Yikes. You really need to work on your penmanship.
 * Squidward: Huh? [looks at pad to see squiggles and lines] What's this? [rips off paper] SpongeBob, order up. [begins hitting wall with hand while giving SpongeBob the order ticket]
 * SpongeBob: [stops Squidward's hand and takes ticket] Uh...thanks, Squidward. [looks at ticket] It's a good thing I can read this after Mr. Krabs's little incident. [flips a patty twice and it lands on bun] Order up, Squiddy!
 * Squidward: [takes tray] Uh huh. [walks toward customer] Here you [slips and tray hits customer's face] are, sir. [falls onto cash register; door pushes Squidward into wall; money begins flying loose; the money flies into the kitchen and falls onto the grill, burning them]
 * SpongeBob: I don't think that the grill gives refunds.
 * Mr. Krabs: [bursts in kitchen and sees charred money; gasps in horror; pulls Squidward into kitchen] I know you hated coming here everyday, Mr. Squidward, but [holds out hands to charred money] enough...for murder?!
 * Squidward: It wasn't exactly murder, Mr. Krabs. A few dollars only got burned.
 * Mr. Krabs: [throws Squidward out of kitchen window; Squidward flies out of Krusty Krab doors] And stay out of me restaurant with that foul mouth of yours!
 * Squidward: [stands up; wipes self off] This whole dance thing has got me so off-kiltered. [sighs] I don't think I can even see straight without falling or going the wrong way. [holds up two fists] I must take the dance class, whatever the costs may be. For the "A" in dance class...and to a lesser extent, my coordination! [turns around and runs into Krusty Krab doors] Ouch.
 * [scene cuts to Squidward, walking into the dance class]
 * Squidward: [in dance outfit] Time to the learn the art of the samba!
 * Dancer 1: [walks up to Squidward] Samba, indeed. [does "olé" position] Olé.
 * Squidward: Isn't that flamenco dancing?
 * Dancer 1: I guess my father was right. [hops up into air; flutters legs; lands with legs bent] Everybody's a critic. [slides right foot around left; spins out of scene]
 * Squidward: [stutters] Crittic?! Why...you...[growls] I don't need this! [begins stomping out of studio; stopped by SpongeBob]
 * SpongeBob: Not yet, Squidward. You need to learn how to samba, or else you won't get that A in samba.
 * Squidward: [sighs] Yeah, you're right, SpongeBob.
 * SpongeBob: Now, we better get practicing. [sinks below camera; comes up behind Squidward in dance suit] We want to "wow" the judges for your recital on Thursday.
 * Squidward: [follows SpongeBob as they walk; smiles] Right, again, Sponge...Dance recital?! You never said anything about a recital!
 * SpongeBob: I know, but I felt so confident you were going to do so well, I entered you in the most pretigious dance recital in all of the seven seas.
 * Squidward: [holds chest] I think my heart just stopped.
 * SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidly. We have until this Thursday to practice.
 * Squidward: [grabs bottom eyelids; pulls them down and lets them retract; silently] SpongeBob, what is tomorrow?
 * SpongeBob: Umm...[thinks] audition day?
 * Squidward: That's right! [grabs SpongeBob's arms] How am I supposed to learn a dance in one day?
 * SpongeBob: [Squidward releases grip] Now now. We can do this, Squidward. Just calm down. And besides, if you want to learn this by tomorrow, you're going to have to hit the dance studio [holds up powder; throws it on ground; Squidward and SpongeBob are teleported to the same empty room] now!
 * Squidward: [begins stretching] I'll get started...[grunts] right after I do some stretches.
 * SpongeBob: [stops Squidward] Squidward. What did I tell you about [pronounces "dawnce"] dance? You need to feel it within.
 * Squidward: [rolls eyes] Fine. Fine. Yet, you've never told me how I can feel the dance [with exaggerated emphasis] within.
 * SpongeBob: I'm afraid I can tell you how to feel the dance inside you. Only you can feel it. Until then...
 * Squidward: Until then?! I only have until tomorrow to learn this stupid dance! [stomps out of room; takes off headband] I'll find some other dance class to teach me such an ar...[slips and falls to ground] Ow.
 * SpongeBob: [gasps] Squidward. You've showed me. Do that again.
 * Squidward: [stands up; wipes self off] I'd rather not. [SpongeBob pushes Squidward]
 * Squidward: Ah! [slips and falls to ground; stands up, angrily] Do that again and you'll be hearing from my lawyers!
 * SpongeBob: Squidward. I've just found what might be able to make you learn samba. [points to feet] Look at your feet, Squidward. You have six left feet. [throws up arms] You can never learn to samba.
 * Squidward: [nervously] So, what do I do?
 * SpongeBob: [hands shoes] Put on these shoes. My father has two left feet, and he wore these shoes to learn how to dance.
 * Squidward: [takes shoes] To learn to samba?
 * SpongeBob: No. To tap-dance. But that's beside the point.
 * Squidward: [puts on shoes] What do these shoes do?
 * SpongeBob: Questions later. [turns on samba music] Dance now. [spreads feet out] You want to keep your feet spread apart first, Squidley.
 * Squidward: I can do without Squidley. [spreads feet out]
 * SpongeBob: Now, lift your arms to the sky. [lifts hand up high]
 * Squidward: [lifts hands] Okay. Then what?
 * SpongeBob: [gently tilts] Gently tilt to your right.
 * Squidward: Okay. [gently tilts] Hey, these shoes really are doing the trick, eh?
 * SpongeBob: Yep. Now this is where it gets complicated. [puts left foot forward; then right foot; steps back; steps forward]
 * Squidward: [repeats SpongeBob's steps] Whoa. This is amazing. How do they do it?
 * SpongeBob: They unlock your inner dance abilities. You never need to learn a dance. You feel it within.
 * Squidward: [throws hands up] Whoo hoo! I think I may be able to win the recital.
 * SpongeBob: I know you can, Squidward! But you better get plenty of rest. You need to be fully rested, or the shoes may not work properly.
 * Squidward: Yeah yeah. Thanks. [runs out of dance studio, cheering]
 * [scene cuts to Squidward, even up at 3:00 am, sitting at his couch, watching "House Fancy"]
 * Squidward: I'm even too excited to sleep. [giddy laugh; looks at clock] My dance audition starts in seven hours. [another giddly laugh] Seven hours. No problem. That's enough time for sleep, don't you think? [walks to bed; places self under covers] Good night, Squiddy ol' boy. [falls to sleep instantly]
 * [scene cuts to the next morning at the dance audition stage; many contestants are chatting and walking around the stage; others are practicing moves; Squidward is backstage, preparing his shoes by shining them]
 * Squidward: I have to make sure you guys look presentable for the audition. We don't want to win and be remembered as [shivers] "The Guy With The Dirty Winning Shoes" or something.
 * SpongeBob: [looks behind curtain] Squidward. You okay, back here?
 * Squidward: [holds up shoes, peefectly polished] Yep. Wish me luck, then, SpongeBob. [scoffs] As if I'll need it. I got the shoes on my side.
 * SpongeBob: Oh yeah. Speaking of the shoes, you got that fully-rested sleep, right?
 * Announcer: Now let the auditions begin!
 * Squidward: [puts on shoes] Ooh, I can't wait to "wow" the judges!...Up next, that is.
 * Announcer: Ooh, that performance...fell flat. [laughs; audience erupts into a riot] Oh, hold onto your pants! I'm looking in your direction, sir, keep them on! [crowd silences] Up next, we have a young cephalopod by the name of...
 * Squidward: [busts out from behind curtains] Squidward Tentacles! [throws right leg over left; left leg over right; repeats; to self] Time for the show-stoppers. [steps forward with left foot first, quickly; then right foot, quickly; steps back in same motion; repeats the left leg over right motion, yet with hands extended] And now for the hop! [leaps and twirls; one shoe flies off] Huh?! [lands and slips; other shoe flies off] What's going on? [stands up; laughs nervously and exits stage; to SpongeBob] There's something wrong with the shoes, SpongeBob!
 * SpongeBob: Did you get some sleep?
 * Squidward: Of course!
 * SpongeBob: Was it about nine to ten hours?
 * Squidward: Uh...well, it, uh...
 * SpongeBob: I told you that if you don't get a fully-rested sleep, then the shoes won't function properly.
 * Squidward: Oh no. [walks back onto stage] Listen everyone! I have somethng to say! [crowd silences] This dance audition isn't about who can dance. It's about who has the courage to come out onto the stage and show their stuff. These people have been training with all of their hearts to be out here. [looks at shoes] Some, maybe even cheated a bit. But does that really all matter? Huh, people?
 * Judge 1: What's your point?!
 * Squidward: I came out here to reclaim my "A" in dance from college. There was a mistake on my transcript saying I got an "F", so I came to change that grade back to its original state. [sighs; looks down] But I guess I'll never get that "A" back.
 * Judge 1: [on computer] Wait, Mr. Tentacles! According to the online transcript, you had straight "A's" in all of your classes. There was no "F".
 * Squidward: No "F"? How can that be?!
 * Squilliam: [offscreen] I think I can answer that question. When you have hands, you can do most anything. Including [holds up real transcript] switch out college transcripts.
 * Squidward: You switched out the transcripts?!
 * Squilliam: [laughs] Precisely.
 * Squidward: Then, who's is this?
 * Squilliam: Sadly, my only imperfection. My college transcript.
 * Squidward: [angrily] So, all of this time, you led me into a depression? Forced me to take a dance school I didn't even have to take? Made me re-learn a dance I didn't even need to re-learn?
 * Squilliam: The one and only.
 * Squidward: Imperfection, eh? How about I leave a few imperfections on you?! [runs after Squilliam]
 * Squilliam: Ah! [begins running away]
 * Squidward: Get back here! [slips and falls to ground] Stupid coordination.
 * [episode ends]