A Cephalopod's Castle

A Cephalopod's Castle is the thirteenth episode of the spin-off, Absorbent Days, and the thirteenth episode of season one. In this episode, after SpongeBob enrages Squidward with another one his stunts and tricks, Squidward decides to travel somewhere, yet he doesn’t care where. On his trek, he encounters many different people, things, and environments. He then comes across a hotel named “Cephalopod Castle”, a hotel specifically for squid. Will Squidward learn the secret behind this so-called hotel…and learn an important lesson at the same time?

Characters

 * Squidward Tentacles
 * SpongeBob SquarePants
 * Patrick Star
 * Mr. Krabs (cameo)
 * Customer 1 (speaking parts)
 * Male Fish 1
 * Female Fish 1 (considerable cameos)
 * Director (debut and cameo)
 * Seagull (debut and cameo)
 * Gill (debut and cameo)
 * Fish 1
 * Fish 2
 * Fish 3
 * Fish 4
 * Fish 5
 * Room Service Waiter (debut and cameo)

Transcript

 * [scene starts with SpongeBob on top of a large ramp, wearing skates]
 * SpongeBob: Get ready, Bikini Bottom! [scene cuts out to an empty landscape, only with Patrick in the distance] As I was saying, get ready the thrill of a lifetime! Watch as an ordinary sea sponge skates down a thirty foot ramp!
 * Patrick: So what?
 * SpongeBob: Patience, Mr. Star. I will land inside a small kitty-pool atop this conviently-placed Eastern Island Head. [camera reveals Squidward's house]
 * Patrick: Eastern Island Head? I thought this was Squid-nerd's house.
 * SpongeBob: Patrick, it's actually...never mind. [straps on skates] Time to do this! I would like to thank everyone that gave me my starting motive, such as you, Patrick.
 * Patrick: [turns around] What now?
 * SpongeBob: And...uh...that's about it. Let's do this! [skates down ramp and is launched into the air] Brace yourself, SquarePants. This landing is going to be quite short.
 * [scene cuts to Patrick, looking through binoculars]
 * Patrick: Look at him go! So gracefully flying through the air.
 * SpongeBob: [sitting on a couch, with lamp, sipping a cup of tea] Hmm...could have been a little stronger. [places on coffee table] I guess I could do something else.
 * Patrick: He's going to stick the landing...I think. [drops binoculars on ground] Whoops. Good think I have a backup. [reaches in pocket] Or was that the backup? Hmm.
 * SpongeBob: [finishing novel] ...And that is why the sea is known as Bikini Bottom. [closes novel] Not such a bad book. [looks at a page] But there is a grammar mistake. [closes novel and shakes head] Better alert the publisher.
 * Patrick: [looking through telescope] Binoculars are overrated anyway. Look at him go. He's going to stick the landing!
 * SpongeBob: [on stool, typing on typewriter] If you could fix the error, that would be great. [hits publish button] That should do it. [looks down] Better stick the landing. [leaps from stool] Time for a clothing change. [leaps through rail of clothing, escaping with a jumpsuit complete with a parachute] Almost there! [pulls blue cord] Or was it the red cord? [pulls red cord] Uh oh.
 * [scene cuts to Squidward, walking out of house with beach shorts on, carrying a beach chair]
 * Squidward: [takes in a long sniff and exhales] Nothing like a refreshing day under the rays of the sun. [sniffs in and exhales again]
 * Female Fish 1: [offscreen] Excuse me, sir! Sir! [onscreen] Stop exhaling! You're infecting the air! [throws a toothbrush] Brush your teeth or I'm calling the cops!
 * Squidward: [spits out toothbrush, appearing to be in his mouth] Some people these days. [hears noise] What's that noise? [sets up beach chair] Probably just that idiot, SpongeBob. [sets down table] I am not going to let him ruin my relaxation day. [lays on beach chair]
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob on walkie-talkie]
 * SpongeBob: [into walkie-talkie] Am I nearing the target, Mr. Star?
 * Patrick: [into walkie-talkie] You're almost there. Just a little bit further.
 * SpongeBob: [braces into ball] This is it. [into walkie-talkie] When do you think I land in the...[lands on corner of kiddie-pool, spilling the water] I thought you said I was almost there.
 * Patrick: [into walkie-talkie] I wasn't talking to you. I'm looking at the most majestic of all the jellyfish. Look at him go.
 * [camera cuts to the inside of the telescope, where a jellyfish is swimming smoothly yet quickly]
 * Patrick: Whoa! Look at him go!
 * Squidward: Keep it down over there, starfish! [turns on radio] Those imbiciles are not going to prevent me from relaxing. Whatever I do, they're not going to spill water over my head. [abundance of water falls over Squidward's head]
 * Patrick: [walks to Squidward] You really need to get your plumbing fixed, Squidward.
 * SpongeBob: [falls onto Squidward] Hey, Squidward. Gee, you should really get your plumbing looked at.
 * Squidward: I'll have you know [stands up and kicks beach chair away] that this is your fault! Now, I will ask your kindly to please...clean up your mess up!!
 * SpongeBob: No problem, Squidward. I'm a sponge. I'll just absorb the water and spray it somewhere safe. [absorbs water; sprays water, hitting the ramp] See, Squidward. [turns around] Safe and sound.
 * [ramp wood crashes into Squidward's house, destroying it]
 * SpongeBob: Well, at least we're safe and sound.
 * [Plank of wood crushes Squidward]
 * Squidward: [lifts plank of wood; begins to growl] SpongeBob...Patrick...you...! [begins to grow in anger yet becomes zen] have set everything into perspective.
 * Patrick: What does that mean?
 * Squidward: [in Patrick's face] It means that you have made me realize something I should have done long ago. [stretches arms out into distance] I need to leave this dead-end town for somewhere more classy. Somewhere where I can find solitude from the common folk. [to self] Or even simpletons like you two.
 * SpongeBob: [holding Squidward's legs] No, Squidward. You can't leave. Think about all of the stuff you'll be, leaving behind. Your house. Your friends. The Krusty Krab.
 * [scene cuts to Krusty Krab]
 * Mr. Krabs: [sitting at table talking to customer] So many people may not know this, but make sure that you spend less than you make. That way, you save more green.
 * Customer 1: What does green mean?
 * Mr. Krabs: You know. Dough. Clams.
 * Customer 1: Oh, you mean money.
 * Mr. Krabs: No. I'm talking about...
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob at Squidward's legs]
 * SpongeBob: Please don't go, Squidward. [holds up portrait of Grandma Tentacles] Your grandma.
 * Squidward: [looks back and takes portrait] Aw, grandma. [silence] I...don't care. [throws portrait away] I am perfectly independent, meaning I can make my own decisions, and I decide that I am leaving. [yanks legs from SpongeBob's grasp] Final...choice! [begins walking away]
 * Patrick: Let him go. He needs his distance...I think. He's his own cephalopod now. A cephalopod who needs his plumbing looked at.
 * [scene cuts to Squidward, walking abruptly down the sidewalk]
 * Squidward: Now I have no home. No money, and now, I'm walking down a street...[camera pans out to road, showing loads of cars]...during rush hour. Can this get any worse?
 * [Car runs over a large puddle of water, heading toward Squidward]
 * Squidward: [ducks water] Ha! I'm not getting hit with water again.
 * Male Fish 1: Do you mind if I rinse my mouth here, sir?
 * Squidward: Not at all.
 * Male Fish 1: [drinks water and begins to gurgle; spits water out] Thank you, sir. [gasps]
 * Squidward: [face covered with water] Well, it looks like it really can get worse. [tears male fish's shirt off, wiping off face] Thanks for nothing. [throws shirt down and stomps away]
 * Male Fish 1: What did I do?
 * [scene cuts to Squidward, walking down a sandy field with the sun beating down on him]
 * Squidward: Woo! [wipes off sweat] It's getting kind of hot. What I wouldn't do to have that sweet lemonade from earlier today. [stopped by glass of lemonade on ground] Ooh! Just my luck! [attempts to lift the lemonade glass] Seems to be a little stuck.
 * [Squidward attempts to lift glass, only to fall onto the ground]
 * Squidward: This glass must be rigged! [kicks glass, causing the lemonade to spill out]
 * Voice: Cut, cut, cut!
 * [Fish begin to take down a large portrait of a sandy landscape with a setting sun; more fish walk away with boom microphones and scripts]
 * Squidward: What in coral caverns is going on here?!
 * Director: What is going on here?! What is going on here is you getting in the way of the shooting of the biggest movie of the year in Bikini Bottom!
 * Squidward: How exactly did I get in here?
 * Director: That's what I would like to know!
 * [scene cuts to outside of movie building, where Squidward is kicked out onto the sand]
 * Director: Now stay out of this building! [slams the door shut]
 * Squidward: [brushes off self] Some people. [continues walking] I better continue walking...before it gets dark.
 * [scene cuts to Squidward, sitting on the sand, in the darkness]
 * Squidward: Who knew that it could turn from complete sunlight to complete darkness in five minutes. I wonder how this could have happened.
 * [scene cuts to the surface where a seagull is flying in front of the sun]
 * Seagull: Whoa, Gill. You were right. Sun-tanning does feel good. Now how long am I supposed to do this for?
 * Gill: Oh, until you're fully roasted. [holds fork behind him]
 * [scene cuts back to a now walking Squidward]
 * Squidward: It's quite dark down here. [crosses arms] Why be frightened, Squiddie? You're a grown squid. No need to be frightened anymore. Besides, nothing here can be scarier than living next to SpongeBob and Patrick.
 * [A large light appears in Squidward's face]
 * Squidward: Hello. Is anybody there?
 * [Fish appear with flashlights]
 * Fish 1: Hey look! There he is!
 * Fish 2: Are you the one they call Squidward Tentacles?
 * Squidward: The one and only.
 * Fish 1: Then, you have arrived to your destination. Welcome to Cephalopod's Castle. [steps out of way out building, revealing a large hotel]
 * Squidward: It's just what I've been looking for!
 * Fish 1: It's just what we've been looking for. [places arm around Squidward] Squids have been coming here to stay for centuries, and it was just restored. We've been expecting you, Mr. Tentacles. Allow me to show you to your room.
 * Squidward: Thank you, kind sir. [walks toward hotel with fish] Whoa. A hotel full of squid just like me. I think I could get used to this life.
 * [scene cuts to inside of Cephalopod's Castle]
 * Fish 1: And here, we have the room service office. It's where all of the room service squid come to serve each and every squid staying here. Just dial one and they'll come right away.
 * Squidward: Never got that kind of service at the Krusty Krab...and I worked there.
 * Fish 1: Here is your room, Mr. Tentacles. [opens door to a large hotel room]
 * Squidward: Whoa. This is beautiful! [rushes over to a compartment] It even has a compartment designed especially for clarinets! This place has it all!
 * Fish 1: Have a nice stay, Mr. Tentacles. [closes door yet leaves it open slightly] You'll find out the secret soon enough. [closes door]
 * Squidward: [leaps into bed and places self under covers] I think I'm going to like it here. [turns on side, yet is awoken by strange metal tapping] If the racket ends anytime soon. Keep it down out there! [turns back on side] Well, no one ever said paradise didn't have it's ups and downs.
 * [scene cuts to next day, where Squidward wakes up, brushing his teeth]
 * Squidward: [spits into sink and stops water] That should teach that lady. [walks out of bathroom] Time for another glorious day. [tapping sound occurs; sighs] Again? Must be cleaning or something. [stomach begins to growl] Hmm...I guess I skipped dinner yesterday. I'm starving.
 * [scene cuts to Squidward, ordering room service]
 * Squidward: [on phone] Yes, a pancake platter with...[looks at menu] three slices of kelp bacon. [hangs up phone] Shouldn't be but a half an hour.
 * Room Service Waiter: Breakfast is served.
 * Squidward: Or half a second. [takes off tops] Oh, sir. I only ordered the pancake platter and three strips of kelp...
 * Room Service Waiter: Consider it as an "enjoy your stay" breakfast meal. [hears tapping sound] Sorry if that sound disturbed you, Mr. Tentacles. They are...uh...fixing some broken pipes.
 * Squidward: But I thought they said this place was restored.
 * Room Service Waiter: Uh...working out the...uh...kinks...I guess. [runs out of room] Ta ta!
 * Squidward: Strange. But who am I to care?! [begins to chow down the big breakfast meal]
 * [scene cuts to a full Squidward lying on his bed]
 * Squidward: Woo! That meal was a doozy. I am fuller than...something that gets...well...full. I guess I should take a nap to digest the...[falls asleep]
 * [Fish appear in room and lift Squidward onto a stretcher]
 * Fish 3: Just as we thought he would do. Wait until he wakes up and see what's he's in for. [giggles]
 * Fish 4: Shh...[giggles] you'll wake him.
 * [scene cuts to Squidward, waking up on a wooden board]
 * Squidward: Hey? Where am I? Why is it so dark? Why am I on a wooden board?
 * Fish 5: [steps out of dark] I will be happy to answer all of those questions. [takes out knife and fork] Do you really think that Cephalopod's Castle is a hotel? Didn't you notice any unusual signs?
 * Squidward: Well, now that you mention it...the metal clinging might have been knives chopping into...[gasps]...squid. This isn't a hotel! This is a restaurant!
 * Fish 5: Precisely! A Chinese restaurant...for squid! Why do you think we gather so many squid? Didn't you even notice the weird behavior. [scoffs] Our waiter is so suttle.
 * Squidward: So that's why you fattened me up. Or at least made me gain a couple of pounds. So that there would be enough Squidward to go around?
 * Fish 5: Yep. Prepare to the biggest thing on the menu, Mr. Squidward. [walks toward Squidward]
 * [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick, outside of Cephalopod's Castle]
 * SpongeBob: I think he went in there, Patrick.
 * Patrick: What makes you say that?
 * SpongeBob: The name is...never mind. [grabs Patrick's shoulders] Are you ready to make our big entrance, Patrick?
 * Patrick: Ready-ing the ramp. [throws last plank of wood onto the ramp] The ramp is...uh...ready...
 * SpongeBob: [appears to be on ramp] Okay. No mistakes, buddy. I have to land in the kittie-pool. No water shall be spilled this time.
 * Patrick: Got it, Spongey. You're clear to fly. Or to skate. Or to launch. Or...
 * SpongeBob: I get the memo, buddy. [begins to skate down ramp, launched into air, and begins to fall to kittie-pool] Time to land. [lands on the side of kittie-pool, spilling the water] Again, Patrick?
 * Patrick: But the jellyfish is back again. [jellyfish flies in front of Patrick] So graceful.
 * [scene cuts to Squidward and Fish 5]
 * Fish 5: Time to cut you down to shape. [water washes onto Fish 5, flooding the hotel room and bringing them outside]
 * Squidward: [runs toward Patrick, and SpongeBob jumps next to Patrick] I'm...sort of...glad you guys are here. I never thought I'd say that.
 * Patrick: Neither did I.
 * SpongeBob: Welcome back, Squidzy ol' pal. Now let's get out of here.
 * Fish 5: Not on my watch! [stands up] Time to cut you all down to size. [throws fork and knife at the gang]
 * SpongeBob: Jump! [SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick leap away from the fork and knife]
 * Fish 5: Ha, pesky fish! [holds up another knife and fork] Nothing can stop me now. [wooden cage falls over Fish 5] Fiddlesticks.
 * Squidward: Wow! Something that you guys actually did saved my skins....literally. Now everything can go back to normal. [exhales]
 * Female Fish: [throws toothbrush into Squidward's mouth] Brush your teeth, you fleabag! [walks away]
 * Squidward: Or at least partially normal.
 * [episode ends]